Re-craping 6x10 Even Fairy Tale Characters Would be Jealous

Haley: I have stage fright about Peyton's concert.
Nathan: Let me entertain you by pretending I'm back in my wheelchair.
Haley: That's one hell of a comedy routine.

Brooke: They want me to adopt a baby!
Sam: I guess that's me out.

Millie: Why is there a slut in my bed?
Mouth: Gigi, you have to get out.
Gigi: First let me flash my breasts.
Mouth: OK.

Peyton: You said "OK" when I told you that Julian and I were in love?
Lucas: I said "Oh" when you said you loved me. What were you expecting?

Julian: Hi Lucas, how are you?
Lucas: *punch* "OK."

Nathan: "He hit Julian."
Haley: "Why?"
Lucas: He dated Peyton and then tried to turn my shitfest of a book into a movie. I don't know which makes me angrier.

Millie: "I found that tramp-faced horseslut bitch in my bed!"
Brooke: So?
Millie: So, I'm a virgin.
Brooke: You mean you didn't spend high school sleeping around, living in an apartment and having insta-careers?
Millie: No. I lived with my parents, didn't date and actually went to classes.
Brooke: "It's like finding a bigfoot or a unicorn or something!"

Peyton: Sam, first of all *bitchslap* for ruining my wedding dress. Second, this is my brother Derek. He hates his parents too.
Sam: Of course you do. This is Tree Hill.

Nathan: Basketball, basketball, basketball.
GhostofQ: I'm still here.
Nathan: Why are you here? How are you here?
GhostofQ: To talk about basketball, and because Schwanny says so.
Nathan: These parts are too boring to re-crap. Basically, even though I gave up slamball for the sake of my family and to avoid ending up back in a wheelchair, my "comeback" storyline isn't over.
Viewers: Oh good.

Peyton: Haley, it's time for the lip-syncing.
Haley: I can't do it.
Peyton: Sure you can. Look, Mia's here!
Viewers: Oh good.

*Haley lip-syncs "Feel This", badly*
Sam: This blows. Can we go back to watching Nathan and GhostofQ?

Peyton: What do you want from me?
Julian: This is not my fault. Look, I even let your boyfriend punch me.
Peyton: He punched you? This is great! He cares!

Lucas: Did you know about Peyton and Julian?
Brooke: "You are not allowed to be mad!"
Lucas: OK.

Peyton: And if you thought Haley sucked, here's Mia!
Mia: "Hey you guys! I just wanted to mention that I'm single."
Viewers: Shut up, Mia.

Derek: Hey Hales, remember how we're BFF?
Haley: No. But let's have a heart-to-heart anyway.

Brooke: You must be Julian. Do not mess with the Pucas epic love!
Julian: You're hot.
Peyton: Leave my friend alone.
Brooke: Shut up, Peyton. He's hot.

Julian: "How's the hand?"
Lucas: OK.
Julian: Look, I still want to make the movie. It's gonna be great.
Lucas: Seriously? Have you read the book?
Julian: Whatever, dude. You signed a contract. The movie's happening. Kiss my ass.

Peyton and Brooke: We'd just like to announce that signatures for the Pucas Cheerleader Union are being taken at the bar. Now let's give it up for Angels and Airways!
Audience: Who?

Peyton: Sam thinks you're going to kick her out if you get a new baby.
Sam: "Everybody wants the puppy, not the mutt."
Brooke: "You are not going back to the pound!"

Millie: Gigi is being totally inappropriate. You should fire her.
Mouth: *doesn't fire Gigi*
Millie: You're a horsefaced slutbag. Stay away from my man.
Gigi: *giggles inanely*

Peyton: I'm sorry I didn't tell you about me and Julian.
Lucas: Peyton, you have been so good to me when I have strayed from our epic love. When I was with Brooke, when I said "I do" to Lindsey, when I said I hated you...
Peyton: You don't have to give so many examples.
Lucas: OK.

Nathan: How was the concert?
Haley: “I think you're going to like the encore to the encore.”
Nathan: Please don't tease the viewers with Naley sex.
Haley: OK.

Re-craping 5x09 For Tonight You're Only Here To Know

Previously on One Tree Hill:

Peyton: "I still love you Lucas."
Lucas: "Peyton, I..." [Seyton kisses Lucas]
Lucas: This is so confusing.

[10 minutes later]
Lucass: Will you marry me... Uh... Pey... Uh... Lindsey?

[30 seconds later]
Lindsey: [Opens door, shows off bling] "Lucas asked me to marry him."
Seyton: [Snaps] All right, that's it. For the rest of this episode, I'm a bitch!

Mouth: [V.O.] "Take a look at this picture. What do you see? There's a high school basketball game tonight somewhere in America, and there's a great story..."
Seyton: Shut up Mouth. It's all about meeeeee.
Mouth: Oh, okay. [Shuts up]

Haley: I didn't know you're a music video director too.
Seyton: You know: what Mama wants, Mama gets. Except Lucas.
Haley: "You gotta let him go, Peyton."
Seyton: "I know. It's just hard." Pucas was... uh, IS epic!
Haley: "You'll be okay. I'll see you at the game." [Out of hearing range] I can't take anymore of her whining, Schwahny.
Schwahny: I'm sorry this episode is all about her whining. Here's some Sunkist. It will make the rest of the episode more bearable.

Haley: "Everything all right?"
Nathan: "I have to tell you something. It's about Carrie."
Haley: Did you kiss her?
Schwahny: Cut! Haley, you're saying next week's episode's lines.
Haley: Oh, I'm sorry I forgot that this week I am propping... again. So what's that about Carrie?
Carrie: I quit. [Out of hearing range] I kissed your husband. I'm planning to seduce him and take your kid away. And I'm psychotic.
Nathan: I really have nothing to add to that.
Haley: "We're gonna miss you."
Psycho Carrie: "Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too. More than you know."

Mia: "Hey, Peyton, is that really who you used to be?"
Seyton: Yeah, I was a whining man-stealing bitch. Oh, wait. I still am.
Mia: "So, tell me again... we're going to see the team that your ex-boyfriend coaches, but now he's engaged to Haley's friend, right?"
Seyton: Did I mention that I was a violent pissed off whining man-stealing bitch?
Mia: Okaaayyy. "I just want to know who we hate before we get there."

Seyton: "You see the girl showing off her cheap-ass engagement ring to my best friend?"
Mia: "Yeah. Lindsey, right?"
Seyton: "That's who we hate." [...] "It's bad enough she's got Lucas, but now she's got to snake in on my friends, too?" "Do you want to see the place where I got shot and almost bled to death or what?"
Mia: Um, yeah. You're really pissed today, aren't you?
Seyton: I have every right to be a bitch. She stole MY man. Mine, my own, my precious...
Mia: Creepy, Gollum.

Haley: I forgot my camera. I need to go to my classroom which is past the library.
Brooke, Lindsey: Ooh, can we come?
[Walk down a hallway]
Haley: How random, Mia is in the library. She's talking to someone. Let's go in.
Lindsey: Crap, it's Seyton.
Seyton: "You know, I really was gonna try to be nice to you, but I think that's officially over."
Lindsey: "Works for me."
Mia: It's not like you were really trying either.
Seyton: Shut up, Mia!
Mia: Okaaayyy...
Lindsey: "I'm gonna head back."
Peyton: "Hey, if you get tired dragging that fat ass back to the gym, there is a water fountain down the hall."
Lindsey: "Whatever, you bulimic bitch." [Tries to push the door open] Alright, open Sesame. [Tries again] I think we're stuck here. Maybe for hours.
Mia: Well the Contrivance Fairy strikes again. The library's doors are getting repaired and there are no handles on any of them. Lindsey is a paranoid claustrophobic. Seyton is pissed (but what's new about that). The library's phone is not functioning. And there is no cell phone reception. Except for Brooke's.
Brooke: "My battery just died! It's great! Isn't that great?"
Mia: Scratch that Brooke's cell phone battery just died.
Haley: Where the hell did you hide the Sunkist Brooke?
Drunk Brooke: It's librarian Glaufelte's stash. "We always knew she was boozy."

Mia: Score! I've got Internet and that awful book Seyton and Lindsey are constantly fighting about.
Seyton: Let's order a pizza online. The delivery guy can let us out. We could get a mushroom and sausage pizza.
Drunk Brooke: Oh, no mushroom.
Mia: Let's get canadian bacon.
Drunk Brooke: Yeah, canadian bacon. Extra cheese!
Lindsey: "Just order the damn pizza."
Seyton: "Do not yell at me."
Lindsey: "I'll yell at you if I want. Just order it! Freaking sausage, canadian bacon, freaking mushroom... I want to get the hell out of here!"
Seyton: "We all want to get the hell out of here, okay?" Don't be such a bitch.
Lindsey: "Okay. Let's just check the scorecard on this one, miss "pity me." You dated the guy two years ago, you disappeared, then you come back and expect him to drop everything for the love of your bony jobless ass. WTF?"
Haley: "Relax, okay? The pizza guy's gonna come, he's gonna let us out, and maybe we'll make the end of the game, so in the meantime, everybody calm down!"
Seyton: "There. It's ordered. Are we all happy now?"
Drunk Brooke: "So what did we get?"
Seyton: "No Mushroom, Brooke. No Mush. No Room. No Mushroom."
Drunk Brooke: God, you don't have to yell at at me. My mom is already a bitch.

Mia: [Looks up from reading An Unkindness of Ravens]"Wait. Hold on. Are you telling me Lucas slept with Peyton, Brooke, and you, Lindsey?"
Lindsey: "Yeah. Not all at the same time."
[Haley and Lindsey laugh]
Mia: "Jeez, Haley, you sure you never got in on that?"
Haley: "Ew, he's like my brother."
Mia: "I'm just saying. Jamie looks a lot like him."
Lindsey: "Ah, they're like twins."
Haley: "They are not!"
Brooke: "Yes, they are. And what inbred moron is taking so long with our pizza?"
Audience: Dim!

Seyton: "Better save ol' drinky here before I kick her spoiled ass all the way back to Walden Pond."
Lindsey: "Oh, yeah?"
Seyton: "Yeah."
Lindsey: "Guess this is the second time you'll be bleeding all over this library."
Dim: Yeah! Girlfight!
Haley: Dim, you idiot! You let the door close behind you. Now we're stuck here.
Dim: No, we're not.
Lindsey: Yes, we are. Trust me. I would have left this hell hole a long time a ago, but Schwahny keeps on dragging me back.

Dim: "And this is a picture of my son. A lot of people say he looks like me, but I'm not quite sure he's that handsome."
Haley: He's really looks... creepy. "What's his name?"
Dim: "Nathan."
Haley: Eww, it's even more creepy.

Mia: Schwahny, what was the purpose of this whole episode? I've been re-craping all night.
Haley: Well I've been constantly propping for nearly five real, no... six fake years. Schwahny screwed up the timeline badly.
Dim: I'm not an idiot! I'm not an idiot. I opened the door without using the handle.
Lindsey: I tried to make myself likable. But I don't think the audience bought it. Can I just quit now?
Schwahny: Uh, no.
Seyton: I've got to be a real bitch, and I made Lindsey cry.
Drunk Brooke: Good times!

Nathan: "You kissed Peyton, didn't you?"
Lucas: "Okay, I know you want to call me a dick, and that's fine..."
Nathan: "I kissed Carrie."
Lucas: "You're a dick."
Nathan: I know that. Tonight, I am going to blab away to Haley. You should go blab to Lindsey.
Lucas: Yeah, well. It's not going to happen. 'cause I'm a dick.
Audience: You don't say...