MastermindChad: Here I go, pen in one hand, crackpipe in the other.
Lucas: "Hey, pretty girl."
Peyton: I'll choose to ignore that. (casual) How's it going with Julian?
Lucas: I want to tie him to a chair and beat him. Hey, what's this contrived dove necklace I've never seen before?
Peyton: My dad gave it to me. That's Larry, not NotLarry or Long Lost Relative #222.
Lucas: Gotta go, watching Casablanca. Mmmm...feeling sleepy...sleepy...
1920s Karen's Cafe
Lucas: I'm a suave nightclub owner and Nathan is a humble bartender. I sure do think a lot of myself in my dreams.
Mouth: I'm a drunk! Whoo!
Skills: (playing piano) Please give me something to do, please give me something to do...
Lucas: Brooke Davis. Are we allowed to talk to each other now?
Brooke: Yeah, in your dreams. I'm kind of slutty in this reality, but I'm not a whore.
Lucas: Good. Go change the world.
Nathan: Shouldn't Haley be singing by now?
Lucas: Don't worry, she's probably just being mauled by EvilDan.
Dan: I have a mouthstache so you know I'm evil. Let's make out. (kiss)
Haley: Lucas has a warped mind.
(Haley sings)
Nathan: "What a dame."
Lucas: What a crappy line. I really must hate James.
Nathan: Uh oh, there's EvilDan.
Dan: In this reality I have Peyton and Julian as minions. No, I don't know what I did to deserve Peyton.
Lucas: I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Dan: Not until Brooke gives me my money. That's borrowed money. I'm not her pimp. I'd like to make that clear. By the way, your mom was great in bed.
Lucas: That's it! Get out! And take your ridiculous mouthstache with you!
Owen: I'm a cop. Why I'm important enough for Lucas to dream about me, I don't know.
Haley: Thank you, thank you.
Groper: "Gimme some sugar!"
Nathan: (slams head on bar) "Sugary enough for you?"
Haley: My hero.
CockblockerLucas: Nathan, here's a letter calling you up for military service.
Nathan: Since this is my last night, let's kiss and exchange I love yous.
Haley: And let's choose our children's names. I like Jamie.
Nathan: Wow, this was fast, even for us.
Haley: "I'll wait for you. Always and forever."
Dan: Peyton, I loved your mother and promised her I'd take care of you.
Viewers: WTF?
Peyton: I know. I'll stay away from Lucas Scott. Oh Lucas, my car broke down.
Lucas: My uncle Keith was a mechanic until his mysterious death. Oh, I can't fix it. I'll walk you home instead.
Peyton: "Do you think I'm pretty?"
Lucas: Didn't we establish that with "pretty girl"? By the way, Dan's nightclub is called "The Comet Club". Comets are evil!
Peyton: "I need to breathe! I need freedom! I need love!" (spins)
MastermindChad: See how I subtly included Peyton's drugs storyline?
Lucas: There's a sign above my door that says PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE. Don't LEAVE me will you Peyton?
Peyton: Take this necklace a sailor gave to me. It means freedom. (kiss)
Eeeeeevil Brooke: Dan, did you know that Lucas and Peyton are sneaking around together?
Dan: Aw, my possible son and my possible daughter. How nice.
(Julian beats up Skills)
Skills: Alright! Screentime!
(Dan beats up Owen)
Owen: Yeah, I'm the one getting tied to a chair and beaten. Work that one out.
Mouth: My brilliant investigative journalist skills led me here.
Julian: (punch)
Peyton: Dan, why are you putting Mouth's feet in cement by the side of a bridge? What is this?
Mouth: He killed Keith!
Peyton: Is that true?
Dan: Shut up! (smacks Peyton and tosses Mouth off the bridge)
Viewers: Best. Episode. Ever.
Peyton: Lucas! Dan's going to kill Mouth!
Lucas: So?
Peyton: He also killed Keith!
Lucas: That bastard! Let's go.
Skills: Can I come?
Lucas: No.
Julian: Peyton, come with me!
(Lucas shoots Julian)
Dan: Why do things have to be so violent? Brooke, get out here.
(Lucas lowers gun. Dan pulls gun on Lucas)
Dan: Brooke, here's the gun to kill Lucas.
Brooke: I kill you Dan!
Dan: Psych, no bullets. (punches Brooke) Here's another gun. Goodbye, Lucas.
Skills: Never fear, Skills is here! (tackles Dan, making him shoot Peyton)
Viewers: Hooray for Skills!
Lucas: Peyton, don't leave me. I'll have to find another "the one"!
Peyton: You're an ass.
(Peyton dies)
Lucas: At least I still have my cool iPhone.
Lucas wakes up
Lucas: Peyton? I just had the weirdest dream. You were in league with Dan and we were possibly related and then Dan threw Mouth off a bridge and Dan and Haley totally made out!
Peyton: That's nice. Ow. (clutches stomach) What's this? Psychic connection? Spawn of Seyton?
MastermindChad: I dunno. I'm just the poet. Storytelling gold is Schwanny's department.
Mark: Atta boy.
The end
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