Re-craping 5x09 For Tonight You're Only Here To Know

Previously on One Tree Hill:

Peyton: "I still love you Lucas."
Lucas: "Peyton, I..." [Seyton kisses Lucas]
Lucas: This is so confusing.

[10 minutes later]
Lucass: Will you marry me... Uh... Pey... Uh... Lindsey?

[30 seconds later]
Lindsey: [Opens door, shows off bling] "Lucas asked me to marry him."
Seyton: [Snaps] All right, that's it. For the rest of this episode, I'm a bitch!

Mouth: [V.O.] "Take a look at this picture. What do you see? There's a high school basketball game tonight somewhere in America, and there's a great story..."
Seyton: Shut up Mouth. It's all about meeeeee.
Mouth: Oh, okay. [Shuts up]

Haley: I didn't know you're a music video director too.
Seyton: You know: what Mama wants, Mama gets. Except Lucas.
Haley: "You gotta let him go, Peyton."
Seyton: "I know. It's just hard." Pucas was... uh, IS epic!
Haley: "You'll be okay. I'll see you at the game." [Out of hearing range] I can't take anymore of her whining, Schwahny.
Schwahny: I'm sorry this episode is all about her whining. Here's some Sunkist. It will make the rest of the episode more bearable.

Haley: "Everything all right?"
Nathan: "I have to tell you something. It's about Carrie."
Haley: Did you kiss her?
Schwahny: Cut! Haley, you're saying next week's episode's lines.
Haley: Oh, I'm sorry I forgot that this week I am propping... again. So what's that about Carrie?
Carrie: I quit. [Out of hearing range] I kissed your husband. I'm planning to seduce him and take your kid away. And I'm psychotic.
Nathan: I really have nothing to add to that.
Haley: "We're gonna miss you."
Psycho Carrie: "Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too. More than you know."

Mia: "Hey, Peyton, is that really who you used to be?"
Seyton: Yeah, I was a whining man-stealing bitch. Oh, wait. I still am.
Mia: "So, tell me again... we're going to see the team that your ex-boyfriend coaches, but now he's engaged to Haley's friend, right?"
Seyton: Did I mention that I was a violent pissed off whining man-stealing bitch?
Mia: Okaaayyy. "I just want to know who we hate before we get there."

Seyton: "You see the girl showing off her cheap-ass engagement ring to my best friend?"
Mia: "Yeah. Lindsey, right?"
Seyton: "That's who we hate." [...] "It's bad enough she's got Lucas, but now she's got to snake in on my friends, too?" "Do you want to see the place where I got shot and almost bled to death or what?"
Mia: Um, yeah. You're really pissed today, aren't you?
Seyton: I have every right to be a bitch. She stole MY man. Mine, my own, my precious...
Mia: Creepy, Gollum.

Haley: I forgot my camera. I need to go to my classroom which is past the library.
Brooke, Lindsey: Ooh, can we come?
[Walk down a hallway]
Haley: How random, Mia is in the library. She's talking to someone. Let's go in.
Lindsey: Crap, it's Seyton.
Seyton: "You know, I really was gonna try to be nice to you, but I think that's officially over."
Lindsey: "Works for me."
Mia: It's not like you were really trying either.
Seyton: Shut up, Mia!
Mia: Okaaayyy...
Lindsey: "I'm gonna head back."
Peyton: "Hey, if you get tired dragging that fat ass back to the gym, there is a water fountain down the hall."
Lindsey: "Whatever, you bulimic bitch." [Tries to push the door open] Alright, open Sesame. [Tries again] I think we're stuck here. Maybe for hours.
Mia: Well the Contrivance Fairy strikes again. The library's doors are getting repaired and there are no handles on any of them. Lindsey is a paranoid claustrophobic. Seyton is pissed (but what's new about that). The library's phone is not functioning. And there is no cell phone reception. Except for Brooke's.
Brooke: "My battery just died! It's great! Isn't that great?"
Mia: Scratch that Brooke's cell phone battery just died.
Haley: Where the hell did you hide the Sunkist Brooke?
Drunk Brooke: It's librarian Glaufelte's stash. "We always knew she was boozy."

Mia: Score! I've got Internet and that awful book Seyton and Lindsey are constantly fighting about.
Seyton: Let's order a pizza online. The delivery guy can let us out. We could get a mushroom and sausage pizza.
Drunk Brooke: Oh, no mushroom.
Mia: Let's get canadian bacon.
Drunk Brooke: Yeah, canadian bacon. Extra cheese!
Lindsey: "Just order the damn pizza."
Seyton: "Do not yell at me."
Lindsey: "I'll yell at you if I want. Just order it! Freaking sausage, canadian bacon, freaking mushroom... I want to get the hell out of here!"
Seyton: "We all want to get the hell out of here, okay?" Don't be such a bitch.
Lindsey: "Okay. Let's just check the scorecard on this one, miss "pity me." You dated the guy two years ago, you disappeared, then you come back and expect him to drop everything for the love of your bony jobless ass. WTF?"
Haley: "Relax, okay? The pizza guy's gonna come, he's gonna let us out, and maybe we'll make the end of the game, so in the meantime, everybody calm down!"
Seyton: "There. It's ordered. Are we all happy now?"
Drunk Brooke: "So what did we get?"
Seyton: "No Mushroom, Brooke. No Mush. No Room. No Mushroom."
Drunk Brooke: God, you don't have to yell at at me. My mom is already a bitch.

Mia: [Looks up from reading An Unkindness of Ravens]"Wait. Hold on. Are you telling me Lucas slept with Peyton, Brooke, and you, Lindsey?"
Lindsey: "Yeah. Not all at the same time."
[Haley and Lindsey laugh]
Mia: "Jeez, Haley, you sure you never got in on that?"
Haley: "Ew, he's like my brother."
Mia: "I'm just saying. Jamie looks a lot like him."
Lindsey: "Ah, they're like twins."
Haley: "They are not!"
Brooke: "Yes, they are. And what inbred moron is taking so long with our pizza?"
Audience: Dim!

Seyton: "Better save ol' drinky here before I kick her spoiled ass all the way back to Walden Pond."
Lindsey: "Oh, yeah?"
Seyton: "Yeah."
Lindsey: "Guess this is the second time you'll be bleeding all over this library."
Dim: Yeah! Girlfight!
Haley: Dim, you idiot! You let the door close behind you. Now we're stuck here.
Dim: No, we're not.
Lindsey: Yes, we are. Trust me. I would have left this hell hole a long time a ago, but Schwahny keeps on dragging me back.

Dim: "And this is a picture of my son. A lot of people say he looks like me, but I'm not quite sure he's that handsome."
Haley: He's really looks... creepy. "What's his name?"
Dim: "Nathan."
Haley: Eww, it's even more creepy.

Mia: Schwahny, what was the purpose of this whole episode? I've been re-craping all night.
Haley: Well I've been constantly propping for nearly five real, no... six fake years. Schwahny screwed up the timeline badly.
Dim: I'm not an idiot! I'm not an idiot. I opened the door without using the handle.
Lindsey: I tried to make myself likable. But I don't think the audience bought it. Can I just quit now?
Schwahny: Uh, no.
Seyton: I've got to be a real bitch, and I made Lindsey cry.
Drunk Brooke: Good times!

Nathan: "You kissed Peyton, didn't you?"
Lucas: "Okay, I know you want to call me a dick, and that's fine..."
Nathan: "I kissed Carrie."
Lucas: "You're a dick."
Nathan: I know that. Tonight, I am going to blab away to Haley. You should go blab to Lindsey.
Lucas: Yeah, well. It's not going to happen. 'cause I'm a dick.
Audience: You don't say...