Re-craping 3x17 Who Will Survive, and What Will Be Left of Them

Previously on One Tree Hill: Dan killed Keith in a fit of StorytellingGold.

Flashback
YoungKeith: Look Dan, a hurt raven. Let's rescue it.
YoungDan: I think not. I'm evil. And apparently a sociopath.

Present day
Keith in heaven: Why aren't my parents at my funeral? Why is Rachel there, for cripes sakes?
Lucas: (VO) Let's explore the stages of grief, in a sensitive and tasteful manner.

Stage 1: Inappropriate Sex
Haley: I think everyone is going to change and go back to Karen's.
Nathan: People are gonna change, alright.
Haley: Please don't become a douchebag like your brother.
Nathan: I'm sorry. Let's have sex.
(Later)
Nathan: When I was a kid I had a paper round.
Haley: Is this going to be like one of Lucas's stories?
Nathan: Kinda. Wanna have sex again?

(Meanwhile, at the wake)
NotLarry: Lucas, thank you for saving my daughter's life.
Lucas: Who the hell are you?
NotLarry: It's me, Peyton's father.
Lucas: (squinting) You sure?
Brooke: Hi, best friend. Sorry I haven't checked up on you since you were shot. How's that bullet wound working out for you?

Dan: (driving) Lalalala...
(GhostKeith jumps out in front of him)
Dan: That Sunkist is some potent shit!

(At the school)
Principal Turner: Welcome back, students. We will try to protect you from any further shootings, but we cannot protect your hearts. (this is an actual line or close)
Lucas: Fuck this shit. (smashes Jimmy's shrine)
Haley: Should we do something to help Lucas?
Nathan: Did someone say threeway?

Stage 2: Part-ay!
(At the Baley apartment)
Brooke: Hi roommate. The material for Karen's wedding dress arrived.
Haley: Sure sure, but I have to tell you about Nathan and I getting back together.
Brooke: Are you sure you're not Peyton?

(Lucas gets a mysterious text telling him to go to school)
Lucas: Why am I here?
Rachel: We all have our questions. Why is Keith dead? Why is your hair like that? Why is this show on the verge of a seventh season?
Brooke: Hi boyfriend. I thought it would be a good idea to throw a party in the place where your uncle was brutally murdered. Try the Sunkist, it's delicious.

Peyton: Look, I'm sorry for kissing you and restarting the Triangle of Dooooom.
Lucas: Peyton, I love you, but you're not "the one" right now. Brooke is "the one" and you have to wait your turn.
Peyton: I understand. Apparently being shot makes me temporarily nicer.

Random Moron: Shooters in the hall!
Lucas: Enough of this shit. I'm out of here.
Brooke: What about MEEEEEE?
Me: How bad is an episode when Lucass and Seyton are the most sympathetic characters?

Stage 3: Stupidity
(Nathan and Haley dance at the party)
Nathan: Too bad they cut the scene explaining why the hell we're here.
Haley: I think it went something like "Brooke gave us Sunkist, which convinced us it was a good idea."

(Dan in bed)
GhostKeith: You didn't think the Sunkist would wear off that quickly did you?
(Dan drives over to Karen's)
Dan: I saw the light.
Karen: I doubt it. (the one good line in the episode)
Dan: Who am I kidding, I'm here because I'm evil. And did I mention Lucas was the one who pulled me out of the fire? Mwah hah hah.

Karen: Why didn't you leave EvilDan and Seyton to die? Did I raise an idiot?
Lucas: You really want me to answer that?
Karen: Keith's death is ALL YOUR FAULT. Oh yeah, I can drink the Sunkist too!
Lucas: Maybe the healing kegger is a good place to be right now.

Stage 4: Tedium
Brooke: Hi roommate. Hi, roommate's husband. I've decided to give you your apartment back.
Nathan: Before we go home let me rip up this tape that Jimmy made us put down.

(Cue a sad montage of everyone crying)

Mouth: Cliques are evil, everyone should party together, blah blah messages.
Rachel: (kisses him)
Mouth: I love you.
Rachel: Mouth, I'm the one who gave Jimmy Sunkist and sent him on a killing spree.
Mouth: YOU BITCH!

Stage 5: Contrivance
(Naley find Lucas)
Lucas: Keith's death was all my fault. I should never have gone into the school.
Nathan: If you hadn't gone into the school Peyton would be dead!
Lucas: And that would be bad because...

(Lucas bumps into Whitey)
Lucas: Uh, about the kegger...
Whitey: It's okay. I've tasted the Sunkist myself. Have I ever told you about my wife Camilla?
Lucas: Only in every conversation ever.
Whitey: Well, Keith was the one who pulled me out of the darkness when she died. Did I just poke the timeline?

Dan: (spits on Keith's grave) That's for helping Whitey poke the timeline!

Stage 6: Realising there are only 5 stages of grief
Haley: Brooke made us a new bedspread! Could this day get any better?
Nathan: Let's go out to the sprinklers and be even more inapproprate!

Lucas: Brooke, have I told you how much I love you lately?
Brooke: I'm jealous that you rescued Peyton. I wish you could rescue me.
Lucas: I will if you rescue me back.
Brooke: Did you recycle that line from Pretty Woman?
Lucas: I knew I heard it somewhere before, I just figured I said it to Peyton.

Brooke: Peyton, I'm sorry you got shot and all, but are you planning to steal my boyfriend again?
Peyton: No! At least, not right now. You can totally trust me.
NotLarry: Brooke, wanna move in?
Brooke: Okay!

Lucas: I'm going to Jimmy's funeral.
Karen: Hell no!
Lucas: Ma, you gotta stop drinking the Sunkist. It won't bring Keith back.

(The rivercourt boys go to the funeral)
Lucas: Hey, Mrs Edwards...where's the kegger later?