Previously on One Tree Hill: Blah blah prom, blah blah catfights, blah blah Peyton gets her lights punched out.
Lucas: (knock, knock) Peyton, I know you're in there and I'm not leaving until...aw, screw it.
Peyton: (with Derek's hand over her mouth) Mmmpeoplealwaysleavemmm
Derek: I'll never leave you. Our love is forever blah blah psychocakes. (injects Peyton)
(Naley on their way to prom)
Nathan: My girl went strong to be rehabbed by prom. (this is an actual line)
Haley: Everything will be perfect tonight.
Car: Not on my watch. Mwah hah hah!
Nathan: We gotta stop saying that.
Viewers: Like, seriously.
(Dan and Karen arrive at prom)
Whitey: I know you're still evil. Leave Karen alone.
Dan: You are old and bald. Go away.
Whitey: First let me say something vaguely intimidating to make you think it's me who's been sending you creepy text messages.
Dan: Don't bother, they cut the scene that follows up on that.
(Peyton's basement. Peyton is gagged and bug-eyed.)
Derek: You're wondering how I got out of jail? I called you pretending to be a cop. And I also called the cops and told them they already had me locked up. I am going to rape and kill you, but first, the jaunty credits. Don't ask me why this episode didn't get a black card.
(Back at prom)
Brooke: Where's Peyton?
Lucas: She wouldn't even open her front door. I waited a whole five seconds.
Brooke: That's weird. Nobody in Tree Hill ever locks their door. My spidery sense is tingling. Mouth, I know I brought you as my last resort date, but can I ditch you and borrow your car?
Mouth: Can you!
(Derek takes pictures of Peyton and finally ungags her)
Peyton: Please, Mark...uh, Derek. Let me go.
(Peyton's phone rings)
Lucas: (to machine) I've got two tickets to Vegas and...Uh, wait. Brooke left and Naley haven't arrived. I'm lonely. Come to prom.
(Rachel gatecrashes prom)
Principal Turner: Sorry, new "no skanky hos" policy.
Rachel: Alright, who wants to be my rebound boy for the night?
Mouth: Do I!
(Meanwhile, back in the basement)
Derek: As a special form of torture I have a tape made up entirely of Peyton's inane whining!
Viewers: Noooooooo!
Peyton: (on tape) The heart doesn't have a kill-switch. (this is an actual line)
(Peyton's phone beeps)
Derek: Another text from Lucas. I'll just text him pretending to be you. I'm sure he won't be able to tell a stalker from his "soulmate".
(Naley at prom being cute)
Nathan: Here, have some punch.
Haley: Tastes kind of funny. Is that...Sunkist?
Nathan: WHO PUT SUNKIST IN MY WIFE'S DRINK?
Random Dork: Dude, it's prom!
Haley: Dude, it's prom. And Sunkist only affects intelligence when consumed in large doses.
Lucas: Aw, Peyton sent me a text! Hey Glenda. Want to hang out with me until my pseudo-loner prom queen girlfriend gets here?
Glenda: Sure.
Lucas: (thinking) Maybe she's the one.
Principal Turner: Naley, I need you to drop Random Dork home.
Nathan: Let's take a little detour.
(Mouth and Rachel in a limo)
Mouth: Whine whine I miss Shelly. Why do girls always leave you after you pressure them into sex?
Rachel: You got some? Nice work!
(Mouth and Rachel continue to talk about Shelly and deflowering Mouth and oh god kill me)
(Brooke arrives at Peyton's)
Brooke: Peyton, are you hiding in the basement? That sounds about right. (goes down) Peyton, why are you all tied up? Is that a gag in your mouth? I'm beginning to suspect something's not right.
Derek: Now's my chance to end the Triangle of Doooooom once and for all!
Peyton: Wait. Let me do it. I want to kill Brooke. Untie me and give me the knife.
Derek: I'll have you know I'm not that stupid.
Peyton: Have some Sunkist.
Derek: Here's the knife.
(Peyton stabs him and escapes)
Peyton: Should I call the police? (sips Sunkist) No, I think I'll put on a pair of boxing gloves and take him on myself.
(At this point the episode defies parody)
Peyton: You creepy, hair-smelling son of a bitch!
Derek: You really think a girl can beat me?
Brooke: (with an axe) How about two girls??
(fighting ensues)
Brooke: Peyton, eighth grade cheer camp!
(Peyton kicks Derek down the stairs)
Brooke: Be careful, he's gonna lunge. They always lunge.
(Derek lunges and Peyton kicks him again)
Brooke: I'll call 911.
(Two hours later the police arrive)
Brooke: Peyton, I'm sorry I made fun of your dead moms.
Peyton: I'm sorry I...no wait. I did nothing wrong. This was all your fault.
Brooke: Wanna go to prom and make out?
Peyton: Okay.
(Dan and Karen dance at prom)
Dan: Why do we only get three minutes of screentime in this travesty of an episode?
Karen: Because Peyton's latest idiotic storyline and Mouth's love life are far more compelling.
Dan: I wanna ask you something. Do you think it's impossible for you to ever have feelings for me again?
Karen: No. It's not impossible.
DK shippers (OK, me): Oooooh.
(At the airport)
Rachel: You're gonna break a lot of hearts, Mouth McFadden (this is an actual line) Will you ditch everything and come away with me just to prove how "dangerous" you are?
Mouth: Will I!
Haley: Where are we going?
Nathan: Look, it's the roof where we made our predictions at the beginning of the year. (Reads out) "Run into school to save classmates from gunman. Jump into lake and get rescued by dead uncle. Shave points with Rick Fox. Oh, and 'Haley and I will be together again.'"
Viewers: Aww.
(Dan finds mysterious phone in hallway. Lucas appears)
Dan: So you're the one who's been terrorising me with text messages?
Lucas: You really think I have the brains for that? I was just thinking about Keith.
Dan: Keith's dead, son. Open your eyes!
Lucas: (squinting) Wait...I'm having a flashback...the day of the shooting...crap, my hair actually looked decent then. Where was I? Hold on, who's that behind the blinds? Is that Abby? And who's that standing next to her? I don't believe it. It's the Contrivance Fairy and the Continuity Fairy!
Contrivance Fairy: Isn't it nice to be working together?
Continuity Fairy: Shut up. I haven't forgiven you for that sex tape.
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