MastermindChad: Here I go, pen in one hand, crackpipe in the other.
Lucas: "Hey, pretty girl."
Peyton: I'll choose to ignore that. (casual) How's it going with Julian?
Lucas: I want to tie him to a chair and beat him. Hey, what's this contrived dove necklace I've never seen before?
Peyton: My dad gave it to me. That's Larry, not NotLarry or Long Lost Relative #222.
Lucas: Gotta go, watching Casablanca. Mmmm...feeling sleepy...sleepy...
1920s Karen's Cafe
Lucas: I'm a suave nightclub owner and Nathan is a humble bartender. I sure do think a lot of myself in my dreams.
Mouth: I'm a drunk! Whoo!
Skills: (playing piano) Please give me something to do, please give me something to do...
Lucas: Brooke Davis. Are we allowed to talk to each other now?
Brooke: Yeah, in your dreams. I'm kind of slutty in this reality, but I'm not a whore.
Lucas: Good. Go change the world.
Nathan: Shouldn't Haley be singing by now?
Lucas: Don't worry, she's probably just being mauled by EvilDan.
Dan: I have a mouthstache so you know I'm evil. Let's make out. (kiss)
Haley: Lucas has a warped mind.
(Haley sings)
Nathan: "What a dame."
Lucas: What a crappy line. I really must hate James.
Nathan: Uh oh, there's EvilDan.
Dan: In this reality I have Peyton and Julian as minions. No, I don't know what I did to deserve Peyton.
Lucas: I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Dan: Not until Brooke gives me my money. That's borrowed money. I'm not her pimp. I'd like to make that clear. By the way, your mom was great in bed.
Lucas: That's it! Get out! And take your ridiculous mouthstache with you!
Owen: I'm a cop. Why I'm important enough for Lucas to dream about me, I don't know.
Haley: Thank you, thank you.
Groper: "Gimme some sugar!"
Nathan: (slams head on bar) "Sugary enough for you?"
Haley: My hero.
CockblockerLucas: Nathan, here's a letter calling you up for military service.
Nathan: Since this is my last night, let's kiss and exchange I love yous.
Haley: And let's choose our children's names. I like Jamie.
Nathan: Wow, this was fast, even for us.
Haley: "I'll wait for you. Always and forever."
Dan: Peyton, I loved your mother and promised her I'd take care of you.
Viewers: WTF?
Peyton: I know. I'll stay away from Lucas Scott. Oh Lucas, my car broke down.
Lucas: My uncle Keith was a mechanic until his mysterious death. Oh, I can't fix it. I'll walk you home instead.
Peyton: "Do you think I'm pretty?"
Lucas: Didn't we establish that with "pretty girl"? By the way, Dan's nightclub is called "The Comet Club". Comets are evil!
Peyton: "I need to breathe! I need freedom! I need love!" (spins)
MastermindChad: See how I subtly included Peyton's drugs storyline?
Lucas: There's a sign above my door that says PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE. Don't LEAVE me will you Peyton?
Peyton: Take this necklace a sailor gave to me. It means freedom. (kiss)
Eeeeeevil Brooke: Dan, did you know that Lucas and Peyton are sneaking around together?
Dan: Aw, my possible son and my possible daughter. How nice.
(Julian beats up Skills)
Skills: Alright! Screentime!
(Dan beats up Owen)
Owen: Yeah, I'm the one getting tied to a chair and beaten. Work that one out.
Mouth: My brilliant investigative journalist skills led me here.
Julian: (punch)
Peyton: Dan, why are you putting Mouth's feet in cement by the side of a bridge? What is this?
Mouth: He killed Keith!
Peyton: Is that true?
Dan: Shut up! (smacks Peyton and tosses Mouth off the bridge)
Viewers: Best. Episode. Ever.
Peyton: Lucas! Dan's going to kill Mouth!
Lucas: So?
Peyton: He also killed Keith!
Lucas: That bastard! Let's go.
Skills: Can I come?
Lucas: No.
Julian: Peyton, come with me!
(Lucas shoots Julian)
Dan: Why do things have to be so violent? Brooke, get out here.
(Lucas lowers gun. Dan pulls gun on Lucas)
Dan: Brooke, here's the gun to kill Lucas.
Brooke: I kill you Dan!
Dan: Psych, no bullets. (punches Brooke) Here's another gun. Goodbye, Lucas.
Skills: Never fear, Skills is here! (tackles Dan, making him shoot Peyton)
Viewers: Hooray for Skills!
Lucas: Peyton, don't leave me. I'll have to find another "the one"!
Peyton: You're an ass.
(Peyton dies)
Lucas: At least I still have my cool iPhone.
Lucas wakes up
Lucas: Peyton? I just had the weirdest dream. You were in league with Dan and we were possibly related and then Dan threw Mouth off a bridge and Dan and Haley totally made out!
Peyton: That's nice. Ow. (clutches stomach) What's this? Psychic connection? Spawn of Seyton?
MastermindChad: I dunno. I'm just the poet. Storytelling gold is Schwanny's department.
Mark: Atta boy.
The end
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Re-craping 4x17 It Gets The Worst At Night
Triangle of Doom in bed together
Lucas: Whoo, I'm finally getting my threesome!
Skills: Dayum, Dawg. So Mouth has been missing since he skipped down with Rachel, and then he sent me this cryptic text.
Lucas: (reading) "Honey Grove won contest. Please drop all current plotlines for contrived road trip."
Skills: I'm sure Naley have more important things to worry about than Mouth.
Nathan: You said Mouth was in trouble?
Haley: I brought food!
Brooke: I brought Rachel's car. Hales, I guess you're over that whole sex tape thing?
Haley: Yeah, but I'm still bitter about Rachel stealing the calculus exam. I have my priorities, okay?
Mouth: Great, I was hoping for sex with Rachel and instead I end up the Honey Grove prison bitch.
Inmates: Oh wise Mouth, tell us how you manage to ensnare so many women.
Mouth: Ever heard of Sunkist? It's better than roofies.
Lucas: Look what Peyton wrote in my yearbook back when we didn't know each other: "People always leave". Hey, who's this contrived girl?
Skills: That's Abby. She disappeared after being the shooting.
Peyton: See? They always leave.
Lucas: The car broke down and I can't fix it! How am I meant to fix Rachel's heart now?
Haley: There's a tour bus! I'm having the urge to go on a journey again.
Chris Keller: Chris Keller will drive you to Honey Grove. That's if we can fit Haley's fat ass on the bus.
Haley: I'm pregnant you PLA!
PLA: Oh. Totally not mine. (Nothing is funnier than that)
PLA: So how've you been since I left town?
Nathan: Uncle murdered, got trapped under car in lake, shaved points, got Haley run over, made Lucas have a heart attack, oh and my mom tried to kill herself.
PLA: You're the luckiest guy I know. (He actually says that)
Back in Tree Hill
Dan: Minion! Trace the owner of this contrived cell phone. Or I'll tell your wife about your adultery. I'm evil.
Karen: Who broke into my house? Will this be explained in say, season ten?
Dan: I'll rescue you. Why don't you fall asleep on the sofa and I'll tenderly/creepily tuck you in.
*The next day*
Karen: Why are you being nice after all your years of evilness?
Dan: Because this show needs a couple with chemistry who can actually act. And you're still in my heart.
Me: Aww.
In Honey Grove
Mouth: It's so good to see you guys! And uh, PLA.
Brooke: Where's Rachel?
Mouth: It's a long, contrived story.
Lucas: The car isn't ready until tomorrow. What shall we do until then?
Haley: Let's crash the local prom. Brooke, do you want your apartment back?
Brooke: Sure, but all this home-switching is making me dizzy. Peyton, wanna move in?
At prom
Kids: Why have a bunch of 30-year-olds crashed our prom?
Lucas: So...not all teenagers look 28 and have 30-year-old parents?
Haley: No, some look 40, like that thieving ho Rachel.
Brooke: Haley, it was me who took the test.
Haley: You bitch! This is worse than the time you screwed Nathan and put it on tape.
Peyton: Lucas, let's have sex.
Lucas: Oh.
Me: MY EYES! MY EYES!
*Brooke, Skills and Mouth walk in*
Brooke: MY EYES! MY EYES! (runs)
PLA: Chris Keller will comfort you.
Brooke: No. I'm graduating high school. Every girl knows that's when you stop sleeping around.
Morning after the night of horror
Lucas: *is naked*
Me: MY EYES! Why do you do this to me Schwanny?
Peyton: Brooke, I'm sorry you had to see Lucas naked.
Brooke: Haley, I'm sorry I stole the test.
Nathan: Now for the shameless whoring of our latest soundtrack. I mean road mix.
Back in Tree Hill
Nathan: Lucas, remember the contrived plotline with the point shaving?
Lucas: No.
Nathan: Well anyway, they think that you are the evil brother who is responsible. They obviously didn't see the "It's a Wonderful Lucas" episode.
Dan: Here I am, lurking creepily outside Abby's house. Oh, there's Lucas. Obviously he's going to foil my evilness.
Lucas: Wow, I went on a road trip, rescued Mouth, had sex with Peyton, got accused of point shaving and still have time to foil Dan's evilness. Ever heard of overkill Schwann?
Lucas: Whoo, I'm finally getting my threesome!
Skills: Dayum, Dawg. So Mouth has been missing since he skipped down with Rachel, and then he sent me this cryptic text.
Lucas: (reading) "Honey Grove won contest. Please drop all current plotlines for contrived road trip."
Skills: I'm sure Naley have more important things to worry about than Mouth.
Nathan: You said Mouth was in trouble?
Haley: I brought food!
Brooke: I brought Rachel's car. Hales, I guess you're over that whole sex tape thing?
Haley: Yeah, but I'm still bitter about Rachel stealing the calculus exam. I have my priorities, okay?
Mouth: Great, I was hoping for sex with Rachel and instead I end up the Honey Grove prison bitch.
Inmates: Oh wise Mouth, tell us how you manage to ensnare so many women.
Mouth: Ever heard of Sunkist? It's better than roofies.
Lucas: Look what Peyton wrote in my yearbook back when we didn't know each other: "People always leave". Hey, who's this contrived girl?
Skills: That's Abby. She disappeared after being the shooting.
Peyton: See? They always leave.
Lucas: The car broke down and I can't fix it! How am I meant to fix Rachel's heart now?
Haley: There's a tour bus! I'm having the urge to go on a journey again.
Chris Keller: Chris Keller will drive you to Honey Grove. That's if we can fit Haley's fat ass on the bus.
Haley: I'm pregnant you PLA!
PLA: Oh. Totally not mine. (Nothing is funnier than that)
PLA: So how've you been since I left town?
Nathan: Uncle murdered, got trapped under car in lake, shaved points, got Haley run over, made Lucas have a heart attack, oh and my mom tried to kill herself.
PLA: You're the luckiest guy I know. (He actually says that)
Back in Tree Hill
Dan: Minion! Trace the owner of this contrived cell phone. Or I'll tell your wife about your adultery. I'm evil.
Karen: Who broke into my house? Will this be explained in say, season ten?
Dan: I'll rescue you. Why don't you fall asleep on the sofa and I'll tenderly/creepily tuck you in.
*The next day*
Karen: Why are you being nice after all your years of evilness?
Dan: Because this show needs a couple with chemistry who can actually act. And you're still in my heart.
Me: Aww.
In Honey Grove
Mouth: It's so good to see you guys! And uh, PLA.
Brooke: Where's Rachel?
Mouth: It's a long, contrived story.
Lucas: The car isn't ready until tomorrow. What shall we do until then?
Haley: Let's crash the local prom. Brooke, do you want your apartment back?
Brooke: Sure, but all this home-switching is making me dizzy. Peyton, wanna move in?
At prom
Kids: Why have a bunch of 30-year-olds crashed our prom?
Lucas: So...not all teenagers look 28 and have 30-year-old parents?
Haley: No, some look 40, like that thieving ho Rachel.
Brooke: Haley, it was me who took the test.
Haley: You bitch! This is worse than the time you screwed Nathan and put it on tape.
Peyton: Lucas, let's have sex.
Lucas: Oh.
Me: MY EYES! MY EYES!
*Brooke, Skills and Mouth walk in*
Brooke: MY EYES! MY EYES! (runs)
PLA: Chris Keller will comfort you.
Brooke: No. I'm graduating high school. Every girl knows that's when you stop sleeping around.
Morning after the night of horror
Lucas: *is naked*
Me: MY EYES! Why do you do this to me Schwanny?
Peyton: Brooke, I'm sorry you had to see Lucas naked.
Brooke: Haley, I'm sorry I stole the test.
Nathan: Now for the shameless whoring of our latest soundtrack. I mean road mix.
Back in Tree Hill
Nathan: Lucas, remember the contrived plotline with the point shaving?
Lucas: No.
Nathan: Well anyway, they think that you are the evil brother who is responsible. They obviously didn't see the "It's a Wonderful Lucas" episode.
Dan: Here I am, lurking creepily outside Abby's house. Oh, there's Lucas. Obviously he's going to foil my evilness.
Lucas: Wow, I went on a road trip, rescued Mouth, had sex with Peyton, got accused of point shaving and still have time to foil Dan's evilness. Ever heard of overkill Schwann?
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Re-craping 6x08 Our Life is Not a Movie or Maybe
Sam: So what's going on here?
Jamie: Good question. It's called slamball. It's the dumbest thing ever. Oh and everyone here used to kiss.
Peyton: Hey Sam. I like you. You remind me of meeeee!
Lucas: Hey guys, guess what? My self-indulgent book is being turned into a movie by Dawson Leery!
Peyton: The Comet? That's great! It's all about meeeeeee!
Lucas: No, my other self-indulgent book. Ravens.
Peyton: Am I in it?
Lucas: You're half of it.
Peyton: I suppose that will do.
Nathan: I AM THE SLAMBALL KING!
Sam: Wasn't he just in a wheelchair?
Mark: Clearly someone hasn't been introduced to the Sunkist.
Julian the producer: Don't worry, I'm not a stalker like Seyton.
Lucas: Oh, so you two have met huh?
Peyton: Hi RealBrotherDerek!
RealDerek: Oh uh, hey Peyton. Shouldn't you be in Tree Hill?
Peyton: I just wanted to talk about our real dad, and how peoplealwaysleave.
Derek: Maybe the other Derek had the right idea.
Nathan: So how did Peyton react to your book becoming a movie?
Lucas: Oh you know, woodenly.
Nathan: What about Brooke?
Lucas: Who?
Nathan: Brooke. You know, the girl you dated in high school?
Lucas: (blank stare)
Nathan: You were helping look after her contrived baby recently?
Lucas: Nate, I don't know what you're...
Mark: More Sunkist anyone?
Nathan: (swigs) Man, slamball is a GREAT idea!
Lucas: Amen to that. (Chugs)
Lucas: Hey Brooke, or whatever your name is. I just wanted to let you know that the movie of my book will probably make you look like a slutty ho. Sorry about that.
Brooke: It doesn't matter. All that matters is the kickass epic love story in the movie.
Lucas: Yeah, you gotta love Naley. Haley, I think you and Nathan should have more sex.
Haley: Uh, okay. How about a sexy massage?
Lucas: That's better.
Gigi: Oh Mouth, I want you.
Nathan: A word of advice, never talk to another woman who isn't your wife or girlfriend. Especially if you're doing the other woman in real life. The shippers will go nuts.
Mouth: Noted.
Haley and Millicent: Brooke, you should totally go out with that ex-junkie who abandoned you because you wanted to adopt.
Nathan: Yeah, you really should.
Dan: You totally should.
Owen: I promise not to run away this time.
Millicent: There's a break-in at the store.
Brooke: Let me get my gun.
Owen: Wait, what?
Brooke: You kidnapped a five-year-old, broke into my store and destroyed Peyton's wedding dress? You are SO grounded!
Sam: I'm sorry. This guy Max gave me Sunkist and suddenly I had the urge to do something really stupid.
Brooke: Don't worry, I'm not going to kick you out.
Sam: You mean peopledon'talwaysleave?
Lucas: (playing pool) So if I make the shot, Peyton's the one. Okay, you can make my book into a movie.
Julian: Excellent. Now onto the real reason for my interest in the book: stalking Peyton.
Peyton: What are you doing here? Stalking me?
Julian: No, I'm here to turn your boyfriend's life story into a movie. And maybe one day it will become a TV show, like The Creek.
Peyton: Who would be cruel enough to inflict that on the viewers week after week?
Jamie: Good question. It's called slamball. It's the dumbest thing ever. Oh and everyone here used to kiss.
Peyton: Hey Sam. I like you. You remind me of meeeee!
Lucas: Hey guys, guess what? My self-indulgent book is being turned into a movie by Dawson Leery!
Peyton: The Comet? That's great! It's all about meeeeeee!
Lucas: No, my other self-indulgent book. Ravens.
Peyton: Am I in it?
Lucas: You're half of it.
Peyton: I suppose that will do.
Nathan: I AM THE SLAMBALL KING!
Sam: Wasn't he just in a wheelchair?
Mark: Clearly someone hasn't been introduced to the Sunkist.
Julian the producer: Don't worry, I'm not a stalker like Seyton.
Lucas: Oh, so you two have met huh?
Peyton: Hi RealBrotherDerek!
RealDerek: Oh uh, hey Peyton. Shouldn't you be in Tree Hill?
Peyton: I just wanted to talk about our real dad, and how peoplealwaysleave.
Derek: Maybe the other Derek had the right idea.
Nathan: So how did Peyton react to your book becoming a movie?
Lucas: Oh you know, woodenly.
Nathan: What about Brooke?
Lucas: Who?
Nathan: Brooke. You know, the girl you dated in high school?
Lucas: (blank stare)
Nathan: You were helping look after her contrived baby recently?
Lucas: Nate, I don't know what you're...
Mark: More Sunkist anyone?
Nathan: (swigs) Man, slamball is a GREAT idea!
Lucas: Amen to that. (Chugs)
Lucas: Hey Brooke, or whatever your name is. I just wanted to let you know that the movie of my book will probably make you look like a slutty ho. Sorry about that.
Brooke: It doesn't matter. All that matters is the kickass epic love story in the movie.
Lucas: Yeah, you gotta love Naley. Haley, I think you and Nathan should have more sex.
Haley: Uh, okay. How about a sexy massage?
Lucas: That's better.
Gigi: Oh Mouth, I want you.
Nathan: A word of advice, never talk to another woman who isn't your wife or girlfriend. Especially if you're doing the other woman in real life. The shippers will go nuts.
Mouth: Noted.
Haley and Millicent: Brooke, you should totally go out with that ex-junkie who abandoned you because you wanted to adopt.
Nathan: Yeah, you really should.
Dan: You totally should.
Owen: I promise not to run away this time.
Millicent: There's a break-in at the store.
Brooke: Let me get my gun.
Owen: Wait, what?
Brooke: You kidnapped a five-year-old, broke into my store and destroyed Peyton's wedding dress? You are SO grounded!
Sam: I'm sorry. This guy Max gave me Sunkist and suddenly I had the urge to do something really stupid.
Brooke: Don't worry, I'm not going to kick you out.
Sam: You mean peopledon'talwaysleave?
Lucas: (playing pool) So if I make the shot, Peyton's the one. Okay, you can make my book into a movie.
Julian: Excellent. Now onto the real reason for my interest in the book: stalking Peyton.
Peyton: What are you doing here? Stalking me?
Julian: No, I'm here to turn your boyfriend's life story into a movie. And maybe one day it will become a TV show, like The Creek.
Peyton: Who would be cruel enough to inflict that on the viewers week after week?
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Re-craping 6x06 Choosing My Own Way of Life
Nathan: Are you sure you're ready to go back to work so soon after being kidnapped along with your son and witnessing a murder?
Haley: Yep.
Nathan: Okay. Hey, who's that sleeping in that car?
Haley: Sam, why are you sleeping in a car?
Sam: You don't understand. Nobody cares. People always leave.
Haley: Why couldn't Dan have shot me too?
Millie: Brooke, I have the solution to your recent troubles: skydiving!
Haley: Brooke, wanna foster a surly teenager?
Brooke: That sounds like a really boring storyline. I think people would rather watch the skydiving.
Mick: Peyton, I am your faaaaaather.
Viewers: No! You're kidding me! I never saw that one coming! etc
Dan: Jamie, my latest spot of homicide persuaded your parents to let me spend time with you without supervision. As a responsible grandfather, I must inform you that all vegetables are evil.
Jamie: I knew it!
(They stumble on Deb and Skills)
Dan: Is Skills out of high school yet?
Deb: Do you even know who Skills is?
Dan: I miss you. Let's try again. (To Jamie) Vegetables cause amnesia too.
(On the book tour of contrivance)
NotLindsey: I'm sorry nobody wants to read your book Lucas. It's just that a page talking about a comet and 600 pages of pictures of the comet isn't really a novel.
Mouth: At least you get to go home to Peyton. And I'm coming back to Tree Hill too! I'm Marvin McFadden, and you just heard a Mouthful.
Lucas: My life officially sucks.
(Dan having Sunkist flashbacks)
Nathan: I hate you, you murderer. Free for babysitting next week?
Peyton: Brooke, why have you written all this stuff about revenge on your mirror? I'm beginning to suspect something's up.
Brooke: I didn't fall down the stairs. I was attacked.
Peyton: No! You're kidding me! I never saw that one coming! By the way, I found my real father.
Brooke: Isn't NotLarry your real father?
Peyton: You're right, he is. Now I've realised that blood isn't what matters, that means no more long-lost relative storylines, right?
Nathan: I found a way to play basketball without hurting my back: playing it on trampolines! I'm also going skydiving with Brooke.
Haley: Actually, Brooke decided to foster Pucas's bastard child, so she's not going skydiving anymore.
Nathan: Oh and Owen returned, but nobody cares about him.
Haley: Yep.
Nathan: Okay. Hey, who's that sleeping in that car?
Haley: Sam, why are you sleeping in a car?
Sam: You don't understand. Nobody cares. People always leave.
Haley: Why couldn't Dan have shot me too?
Millie: Brooke, I have the solution to your recent troubles: skydiving!
Haley: Brooke, wanna foster a surly teenager?
Brooke: That sounds like a really boring storyline. I think people would rather watch the skydiving.
Mick: Peyton, I am your faaaaaather.
Viewers: No! You're kidding me! I never saw that one coming! etc
Dan: Jamie, my latest spot of homicide persuaded your parents to let me spend time with you without supervision. As a responsible grandfather, I must inform you that all vegetables are evil.
Jamie: I knew it!
(They stumble on Deb and Skills)
Dan: Is Skills out of high school yet?
Deb: Do you even know who Skills is?
Dan: I miss you. Let's try again. (To Jamie) Vegetables cause amnesia too.
(On the book tour of contrivance)
NotLindsey: I'm sorry nobody wants to read your book Lucas. It's just that a page talking about a comet and 600 pages of pictures of the comet isn't really a novel.
Mouth: At least you get to go home to Peyton. And I'm coming back to Tree Hill too! I'm Marvin McFadden, and you just heard a Mouthful.
Lucas: My life officially sucks.
(Dan having Sunkist flashbacks)
Nathan: I hate you, you murderer. Free for babysitting next week?
Peyton: Brooke, why have you written all this stuff about revenge on your mirror? I'm beginning to suspect something's up.
Brooke: I didn't fall down the stairs. I was attacked.
Peyton: No! You're kidding me! I never saw that one coming! By the way, I found my real father.
Brooke: Isn't NotLarry your real father?
Peyton: You're right, he is. Now I've realised that blood isn't what matters, that means no more long-lost relative storylines, right?
Nathan: I found a way to play basketball without hurting my back: playing it on trampolines! I'm also going skydiving with Brooke.
Haley: Actually, Brooke decided to foster Pucas's bastard child, so she's not going skydiving anymore.
Nathan: Oh and Owen returned, but nobody cares about him.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Cease and Desist the Re-craping on TWoP
cecilia jane and I received some "cease and desist" orders from the Televison Without Pity moderators. We had to stop posting re-craps, and commenting on them on their forums. We are not too much offended. We will continue re-craping random and new OTH episodes here. So, I'd like to welcome you to your permanent home for reading One Tree Hill re-craps. Requests for random episodes are welcome. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Re-craping 4x13 Pictures of You
Teacher: Does this show really matter, or ist it just for the train wreck, the eventual completion of the series, and the re-craps that make you stay? The purpose of this episode is to find out who the hell you are. "Let's say that there are five universal terms to describe everyone in high school. Let's say: Jock, Prom Queen, Geek, Loner and ..."
Brooke: Rachel, uh... Slut?
Teacher: Friendly (but not that friendly). Alright, class using one of those five words describe Mouth.
Class: Geek.
Mouth: I so don't like this assignment. How come I cannot be "Awesome!"?
Teacher: Is your name Barney Stinson? [Mouth shakes head] Moving on. "Nathan, five choices?"
Class: "Jock."
Teacher: "Lucas?"
Class: "Jock."
Teacher: "Brooke?"
Class: "Prom Queen."
Brooke: I so am, am I? Thanks for voting for me.
Teacher: "Rachel?"
Class: "Friendly!"
Rachel: "Hey!"
Brooke: Don't be that surprised I said it already.
Teacher: "Peyton?"
Class: "Prom Queen."
Peyton: "Oh, come one. I'm so a loner."
Glenda: "Yeah right. A loner cheerleader who's dating a jock. No offense. But, I'm a loner. You're a prom queen."
Teacher: Now, let's pair you up. So you can be egotistical for the rest of the hour, which I'm never going to get back. And since it is a really contrived episode, let's put Mouth with Shelley, Haley with Skills, Rachel with Bevin, Glenda with Lucas, Brooke with Chase, and Peyton with Nathan.
The rest of the class: What about us?
Teacher: Karma doesn't really care about you.
The rest of the class: Well, Karma doesn't really care about Rachel and Bevin, and Mouth and Shelley. And it barely cares about Brooke and Chase.
Teacher: "Karma is a funny thing isn't it?"
Brooke: Yeah, each time I have sex with Lucas, we get a pregnancy scare.
Pregnant Haley: Tell me about it. The Scott sperm is potent. I should have known that before I slept with my husband.
Nathan: "This is kind of the boy toy auction without the kissing and the partial nudity."
Peyton: "Well, the hour is still young." I bet I can get your shirt off.
Nathan: By the end of the eppy? You're on.
Peyton: How come we don't spend time together anymore?
Nathan: Umm, I got married. And you are Lucas's "You're the girl for me" this season.
Peyton: That's right. But wouldn't be cool if I slept with you and Lucas?
Nathan: You did that. But not at the same time. Right? Don't tell that to Haley, my wife. But "we were pretty good together, weren't we?"
Peyton: Uh, uh. "We were horrible together."
Nathan: Uh, uh. Remember when I used to paint your toe nails.
Peyton: Aah, yeah! Good times!
Nathan: My mom tried to kill herself.
Peyton: "I can't whistle. I know I'm pathetic."
Nathan: Liar. Watch the third episode of Season 2.
Peyton: That was ADR. "Well now, let's see the merchandise."
Nathan: Okay. [takes his shirt off]
Peyton: That was too easy.
Glenda: Good god, I got stuck with the jock.
Lucas: I'm not a jock, I'm a loner.
Ghost Keith: Didn't I just say: DON'T become like Peyton?
Glenda: I have an imaginary boyfriend.
Lucas: That's okay. I talk to my dead uncle.
Glenda: So what do you want to do after high school?
Lucas: I want to be a writer. But I love Tree Hill. If this writing thing doesn't pan out, I want to stay here forever and coach the Ravens, because Whitey is retiring.
Ghost Keith: Really? When did you get knocked upside the head? I need to get to Schwahny get me more money just for that.
Skills: I don't know how I can afford college without a scholarship.
Haley: Have you heard of students loans? You're speculating on how much you're going to earn once you graduate. And then you're basically signing your earnings away to a bank.
Skills: No wonder the economy is in shambles.
Bevin: I'm an air head.
Rachel: I'm a pot head.
Karma: That's not news to me.
Brooke: I'm insecure.
Chase: What? The popular cheerleader who's also the Student Council President? It took you four years to have an existential crisis.
Brooke: Hey, I don't write the scripts.
Shelley: Why am I getting re-crapped? I am not even mentioned next season.
Mouth: But I am.
Shelley: Sorry to break it to you Mouth, but Karma still doesn't care about you.
Mouth: But Schwahny does.
Hesitant Shelley: If you say so...
Mouth: He does. And we're going to have sex.
Reluctant Shelley: Riiiight....
Brooke: Rachel, uh... Slut?
Teacher: Friendly (but not that friendly). Alright, class using one of those five words describe Mouth.
Class: Geek.
Mouth: I so don't like this assignment. How come I cannot be "Awesome!"?
Teacher: Is your name Barney Stinson? [Mouth shakes head] Moving on. "Nathan, five choices?"
Class: "Jock."
Teacher: "Lucas?"
Class: "Jock."
Teacher: "Brooke?"
Class: "Prom Queen."
Brooke: I so am, am I? Thanks for voting for me.
Teacher: "Rachel?"
Class: "Friendly!"
Rachel: "Hey!"
Brooke: Don't be that surprised I said it already.
Teacher: "Peyton?"
Class: "Prom Queen."
Peyton: "Oh, come one. I'm so a loner."
Glenda: "Yeah right. A loner cheerleader who's dating a jock. No offense. But, I'm a loner. You're a prom queen."
Teacher: Now, let's pair you up. So you can be egotistical for the rest of the hour, which I'm never going to get back. And since it is a really contrived episode, let's put Mouth with Shelley, Haley with Skills, Rachel with Bevin, Glenda with Lucas, Brooke with Chase, and Peyton with Nathan.
The rest of the class: What about us?
Teacher: Karma doesn't really care about you.
The rest of the class: Well, Karma doesn't really care about Rachel and Bevin, and Mouth and Shelley. And it barely cares about Brooke and Chase.
Teacher: "Karma is a funny thing isn't it?"
Brooke: Yeah, each time I have sex with Lucas, we get a pregnancy scare.
Pregnant Haley: Tell me about it. The Scott sperm is potent. I should have known that before I slept with my husband.
Nathan: "This is kind of the boy toy auction without the kissing and the partial nudity."
Peyton: "Well, the hour is still young." I bet I can get your shirt off.
Nathan: By the end of the eppy? You're on.
Peyton: How come we don't spend time together anymore?
Nathan: Umm, I got married. And you are Lucas's "You're the girl for me" this season.
Peyton: That's right. But wouldn't be cool if I slept with you and Lucas?
Nathan: You did that. But not at the same time. Right? Don't tell that to Haley, my wife. But "we were pretty good together, weren't we?"
Peyton: Uh, uh. "We were horrible together."
Nathan: Uh, uh. Remember when I used to paint your toe nails.
Peyton: Aah, yeah! Good times!
Nathan: My mom tried to kill herself.
Peyton: "I can't whistle. I know I'm pathetic."
Nathan: Liar. Watch the third episode of Season 2.
Peyton: That was ADR. "Well now, let's see the merchandise."
Nathan: Okay. [takes his shirt off]
Peyton: That was too easy.
Glenda: Good god, I got stuck with the jock.
Lucas: I'm not a jock, I'm a loner.
Ghost Keith: Didn't I just say: DON'T become like Peyton?
Glenda: I have an imaginary boyfriend.
Lucas: That's okay. I talk to my dead uncle.
Glenda: So what do you want to do after high school?
Lucas: I want to be a writer. But I love Tree Hill. If this writing thing doesn't pan out, I want to stay here forever and coach the Ravens, because Whitey is retiring.
Ghost Keith: Really? When did you get knocked upside the head? I need to get to Schwahny get me more money just for that.
Skills: I don't know how I can afford college without a scholarship.
Haley: Have you heard of students loans? You're speculating on how much you're going to earn once you graduate. And then you're basically signing your earnings away to a bank.
Skills: No wonder the economy is in shambles.
Bevin: I'm an air head.
Rachel: I'm a pot head.
Karma: That's not news to me.
Brooke: I'm insecure.
Chase: What? The popular cheerleader who's also the Student Council President? It took you four years to have an existential crisis.
Brooke: Hey, I don't write the scripts.
Shelley: Why am I getting re-crapped? I am not even mentioned next season.
Mouth: But I am.
Shelley: Sorry to break it to you Mouth, but Karma still doesn't care about you.
Mouth: But Schwahny does.
Hesitant Shelley: If you say so...
Mouth: He does. And we're going to have sex.
Reluctant Shelley: Riiiight....
Monday, October 13, 2008
Re-craping 3x18 When It Isn't Like It Should Be
Lucas: My uncle's dead, my mom's suicidal, but why not spend a weekend at Rachel's Cabin of Contrivance?
Everybody: Whoo-hoo!
Peyton: Maybe my new boyfriend Pete from Fall Out Boy will join us.
Brooke: Peyton has an imaginary friend.
(Everyone laughs at poor Peyton's pathetic fantasies)
At Rachel's Cabin of Contrivance
Rachel: I guess coming this weekend means you've forgiven me for unleashing eeeeevil on the school?
Mouth: No. I still hate you and think you're an evil bitch, but I'll spend the weekend in your fancy cabin anyway.
(Lucas and Nathan race tractors)
Nathan: I'm gonna ask Haley to marry me.
Lucas: Wait, did I dream everything from the end of season one?
Viewers: If only.
Brooke: (Reads Lucas's letter and gets horny) Think I'll have some alone time in the bathroom.
Rachel: (Walks in) Oh sorry. I was hoping for some lesbian sex. I didn't know you were "Brooke"ing yourself.
Haley: Where the hell is my ring?
Brooke: Maybe it's in this drawer.
Rachel: NO DON'T LOOK IN THERE!
Brooke: Huh, I wonder what her secret is. Something lame I expect.
Lucas: This weekend will give us a chance to recover from recent traumatic events. But first, Sunkist part-ay!
(Everyone goes to a SUNKIST party sponsored by SUNKIST)
Nathan: This must be the most embarrassing thing to ever happen on this show.
Haley: Hey look, it's Pete from Fall Out Boy!
Pete: I just scared the crap out of some cows.
Me: I'll watch every LP scene on loop for the rest of my life, just please don't make me re-crap the Seyton/Pete scenes!
Lucas: Hey Brooke, guess what? I've got Haley's ring!
Haley: Thanks, I've been looking for that.
Nathan: Nice work, Dumbass.
(Wacky hijinks ensue as Brooke tries to get Haley's ring back)
Brooke: (throws Sunkist on Haley) You'd better take a shower or you might start acting stupid.
Haley: Good idea. (takes shower)
Brooke: (sneaks in) Haley, how about some lesbian sex? (gets ring) Oh, never mind.
(Skills and Bevin get lost in the woods)
Skills: Can you believe we get our own B-plot in this episode? I'm not even a regular yet.
(The gang play I never)
Skills: I never slept with my Nathan's mom.
Nathan: I never got pushed through a window.
Rachel: I never got caught Brooke-ing myself in the bathroom, that was Brooke.
Brooke: You swore you wouldn't tell! That's it, I'm gonna find out your lame secret.
(Rachel in hot tub)
Mouth: I've decided to forgive you as your boobies look so nice.
Rachel: I'm so sorry, Mouth.
Mouth: So can I get in the hot tub?
Rachel: Not that sorry.
(Brooke and Lucas in bed)
Lucas: Did I ever tell you about the time I went fishing with Keith and cut my finger? Keith cut his finger too and made us blood brothers.
Brooke: Um, you were ALREADY RELATED, Dumbass.
Back in Tree Hill
Karen: Dan, I brought you some of Keith's things. Here's the adoption papers for Dumbass, the wedding invitation to the woman who couldn't act and a gross assortment of drain hair dating back to the late 80's.
Dan: How thoughtful.
Karen: YOU KILLED HIM!
Dan: Look, I can explain. It was the Sunkist. That stuff is evil.
Karen: I don't mean you literally killed him, but you were like, really mean to him and shit. I hate you and will almost certainly never make out with you again!
Nathan: Now I've got Haley's ring back, time to propose. (Calls Haley) I've got two tickets to Vegas. Wanna renew our vows?
Haley: Oh Nathan, Elvis and forever.
Lucas: Well, I think we've all learned valuable lessons from this weekend.
Nathan: I learned never to trust Dumbass with anything.
Brooke: I learned what Rachel's lame secret is.
Peyton: I learned that no matter how bad Pucas gets, it could be a lot worse.
Note: Pete died on the way back to his home planet
Everybody: Whoo-hoo!
Peyton: Maybe my new boyfriend Pete from Fall Out Boy will join us.
Brooke: Peyton has an imaginary friend.
(Everyone laughs at poor Peyton's pathetic fantasies)
At Rachel's Cabin of Contrivance
Rachel: I guess coming this weekend means you've forgiven me for unleashing eeeeevil on the school?
Mouth: No. I still hate you and think you're an evil bitch, but I'll spend the weekend in your fancy cabin anyway.
(Lucas and Nathan race tractors)
Nathan: I'm gonna ask Haley to marry me.
Lucas: Wait, did I dream everything from the end of season one?
Viewers: If only.
Brooke: (Reads Lucas's letter and gets horny) Think I'll have some alone time in the bathroom.
Rachel: (Walks in) Oh sorry. I was hoping for some lesbian sex. I didn't know you were "Brooke"ing yourself.
Haley: Where the hell is my ring?
Brooke: Maybe it's in this drawer.
Rachel: NO DON'T LOOK IN THERE!
Brooke: Huh, I wonder what her secret is. Something lame I expect.
Lucas: This weekend will give us a chance to recover from recent traumatic events. But first, Sunkist part-ay!
(Everyone goes to a SUNKIST party sponsored by SUNKIST)
Nathan: This must be the most embarrassing thing to ever happen on this show.
Haley: Hey look, it's Pete from Fall Out Boy!
Pete: I just scared the crap out of some cows.
Me: I'll watch every LP scene on loop for the rest of my life, just please don't make me re-crap the Seyton/Pete scenes!
Lucas: Hey Brooke, guess what? I've got Haley's ring!
Haley: Thanks, I've been looking for that.
Nathan: Nice work, Dumbass.
(Wacky hijinks ensue as Brooke tries to get Haley's ring back)
Brooke: (throws Sunkist on Haley) You'd better take a shower or you might start acting stupid.
Haley: Good idea. (takes shower)
Brooke: (sneaks in) Haley, how about some lesbian sex? (gets ring) Oh, never mind.
(Skills and Bevin get lost in the woods)
Skills: Can you believe we get our own B-plot in this episode? I'm not even a regular yet.
(The gang play I never)
Skills: I never slept with my Nathan's mom.
Nathan: I never got pushed through a window.
Rachel: I never got caught Brooke-ing myself in the bathroom, that was Brooke.
Brooke: You swore you wouldn't tell! That's it, I'm gonna find out your lame secret.
(Rachel in hot tub)
Mouth: I've decided to forgive you as your boobies look so nice.
Rachel: I'm so sorry, Mouth.
Mouth: So can I get in the hot tub?
Rachel: Not that sorry.
(Brooke and Lucas in bed)
Lucas: Did I ever tell you about the time I went fishing with Keith and cut my finger? Keith cut his finger too and made us blood brothers.
Brooke: Um, you were ALREADY RELATED, Dumbass.
Back in Tree Hill
Karen: Dan, I brought you some of Keith's things. Here's the adoption papers for Dumbass, the wedding invitation to the woman who couldn't act and a gross assortment of drain hair dating back to the late 80's.
Dan: How thoughtful.
Karen: YOU KILLED HIM!
Dan: Look, I can explain. It was the Sunkist. That stuff is evil.
Karen: I don't mean you literally killed him, but you were like, really mean to him and shit. I hate you and will almost certainly never make out with you again!
Nathan: Now I've got Haley's ring back, time to propose. (Calls Haley) I've got two tickets to Vegas. Wanna renew our vows?
Haley: Oh Nathan, Elvis and forever.
Lucas: Well, I think we've all learned valuable lessons from this weekend.
Nathan: I learned never to trust Dumbass with anything.
Brooke: I learned what Rachel's lame secret is.
Peyton: I learned that no matter how bad Pucas gets, it could be a lot worse.
Note: Pete died on the way back to his home planet
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Re-craping 3x17 Who Will Survive, and What Will Be Left of Them
Previously on One Tree Hill: Dan killed Keith in a fit of StorytellingGold.
Flashback
YoungKeith: Look Dan, a hurt raven. Let's rescue it.
YoungDan: I think not. I'm evil. And apparently a sociopath.
Present day
Keith in heaven: Why aren't my parents at my funeral? Why is Rachel there, for cripes sakes?
Lucas: (VO) Let's explore the stages of grief, in a sensitive and tasteful manner.
Stage 1: Inappropriate Sex
Haley: I think everyone is going to change and go back to Karen's.
Nathan: People are gonna change, alright.
Haley: Please don't become a douchebag like your brother.
Nathan: I'm sorry. Let's have sex.
(Later)
Nathan: When I was a kid I had a paper round.
Haley: Is this going to be like one of Lucas's stories?
Nathan: Kinda. Wanna have sex again?
(Meanwhile, at the wake)
NotLarry: Lucas, thank you for saving my daughter's life.
Lucas: Who the hell are you?
NotLarry: It's me, Peyton's father.
Lucas: (squinting) You sure?
Brooke: Hi, best friend. Sorry I haven't checked up on you since you were shot. How's that bullet wound working out for you?
Dan: (driving) Lalalala...
(GhostKeith jumps out in front of him)
Dan: That Sunkist is some potent shit!
(At the school)
Principal Turner: Welcome back, students. We will try to protect you from any further shootings, but we cannot protect your hearts. (this is an actual line or close)
Lucas: Fuck this shit. (smashes Jimmy's shrine)
Haley: Should we do something to help Lucas?
Nathan: Did someone say threeway?
Stage 2: Part-ay!
(At the Baley apartment)
Brooke: Hi roommate. The material for Karen's wedding dress arrived.
Haley: Sure sure, but I have to tell you about Nathan and I getting back together.
Brooke: Are you sure you're not Peyton?
(Lucas gets a mysterious text telling him to go to school)
Lucas: Why am I here?
Rachel: We all have our questions. Why is Keith dead? Why is your hair like that? Why is this show on the verge of a seventh season?
Brooke: Hi boyfriend. I thought it would be a good idea to throw a party in the place where your uncle was brutally murdered. Try the Sunkist, it's delicious.
Peyton: Look, I'm sorry for kissing you and restarting the Triangle of Dooooom.
Lucas: Peyton, I love you, but you're not "the one" right now. Brooke is "the one" and you have to wait your turn.
Peyton: I understand. Apparently being shot makes me temporarily nicer.
Random Moron: Shooters in the hall!
Lucas: Enough of this shit. I'm out of here.
Brooke: What about MEEEEEE?
Me: How bad is an episode when Lucass and Seyton are the most sympathetic characters?
Stage 3: Stupidity
(Nathan and Haley dance at the party)
Nathan: Too bad they cut the scene explaining why the hell we're here.
Haley: I think it went something like "Brooke gave us Sunkist, which convinced us it was a good idea."
(Dan in bed)
GhostKeith: You didn't think the Sunkist would wear off that quickly did you?
(Dan drives over to Karen's)
Dan: I saw the light.
Karen: I doubt it. (the one good line in the episode)
Dan: Who am I kidding, I'm here because I'm evil. And did I mention Lucas was the one who pulled me out of the fire? Mwah hah hah.
Karen: Why didn't you leave EvilDan and Seyton to die? Did I raise an idiot?
Lucas: You really want me to answer that?
Karen: Keith's death is ALL YOUR FAULT. Oh yeah, I can drink the Sunkist too!
Lucas: Maybe the healing kegger is a good place to be right now.
Stage 4: Tedium
Brooke: Hi roommate. Hi, roommate's husband. I've decided to give you your apartment back.
Nathan: Before we go home let me rip up this tape that Jimmy made us put down.
(Cue a sad montage of everyone crying)
Mouth: Cliques are evil, everyone should party together, blah blah messages.
Rachel: (kisses him)
Mouth: I love you.
Rachel: Mouth, I'm the one who gave Jimmy Sunkist and sent him on a killing spree.
Mouth: YOU BITCH!
Stage 5: Contrivance
(Naley find Lucas)
Lucas: Keith's death was all my fault. I should never have gone into the school.
Nathan: If you hadn't gone into the school Peyton would be dead!
Lucas: And that would be bad because...
(Lucas bumps into Whitey)
Lucas: Uh, about the kegger...
Whitey: It's okay. I've tasted the Sunkist myself. Have I ever told you about my wife Camilla?
Lucas: Only in every conversation ever.
Whitey: Well, Keith was the one who pulled me out of the darkness when she died. Did I just poke the timeline?
Dan: (spits on Keith's grave) That's for helping Whitey poke the timeline!
Stage 6: Realising there are only 5 stages of grief
Haley: Brooke made us a new bedspread! Could this day get any better?
Nathan: Let's go out to the sprinklers and be even more inapproprate!
Lucas: Brooke, have I told you how much I love you lately?
Brooke: I'm jealous that you rescued Peyton. I wish you could rescue me.
Lucas: I will if you rescue me back.
Brooke: Did you recycle that line from Pretty Woman?
Lucas: I knew I heard it somewhere before, I just figured I said it to Peyton.
Brooke: Peyton, I'm sorry you got shot and all, but are you planning to steal my boyfriend again?
Peyton: No! At least, not right now. You can totally trust me.
NotLarry: Brooke, wanna move in?
Brooke: Okay!
Lucas: I'm going to Jimmy's funeral.
Karen: Hell no!
Lucas: Ma, you gotta stop drinking the Sunkist. It won't bring Keith back.
(The rivercourt boys go to the funeral)
Lucas: Hey, Mrs Edwards...where's the kegger later?
Flashback
YoungKeith: Look Dan, a hurt raven. Let's rescue it.
YoungDan: I think not. I'm evil. And apparently a sociopath.
Present day
Keith in heaven: Why aren't my parents at my funeral? Why is Rachel there, for cripes sakes?
Lucas: (VO) Let's explore the stages of grief, in a sensitive and tasteful manner.
Stage 1: Inappropriate Sex
Haley: I think everyone is going to change and go back to Karen's.
Nathan: People are gonna change, alright.
Haley: Please don't become a douchebag like your brother.
Nathan: I'm sorry. Let's have sex.
(Later)
Nathan: When I was a kid I had a paper round.
Haley: Is this going to be like one of Lucas's stories?
Nathan: Kinda. Wanna have sex again?
(Meanwhile, at the wake)
NotLarry: Lucas, thank you for saving my daughter's life.
Lucas: Who the hell are you?
NotLarry: It's me, Peyton's father.
Lucas: (squinting) You sure?
Brooke: Hi, best friend. Sorry I haven't checked up on you since you were shot. How's that bullet wound working out for you?
Dan: (driving) Lalalala...
(GhostKeith jumps out in front of him)
Dan: That Sunkist is some potent shit!
(At the school)
Principal Turner: Welcome back, students. We will try to protect you from any further shootings, but we cannot protect your hearts. (this is an actual line or close)
Lucas: Fuck this shit. (smashes Jimmy's shrine)
Haley: Should we do something to help Lucas?
Nathan: Did someone say threeway?
Stage 2: Part-ay!
(At the Baley apartment)
Brooke: Hi roommate. The material for Karen's wedding dress arrived.
Haley: Sure sure, but I have to tell you about Nathan and I getting back together.
Brooke: Are you sure you're not Peyton?
(Lucas gets a mysterious text telling him to go to school)
Lucas: Why am I here?
Rachel: We all have our questions. Why is Keith dead? Why is your hair like that? Why is this show on the verge of a seventh season?
Brooke: Hi boyfriend. I thought it would be a good idea to throw a party in the place where your uncle was brutally murdered. Try the Sunkist, it's delicious.
Peyton: Look, I'm sorry for kissing you and restarting the Triangle of Dooooom.
Lucas: Peyton, I love you, but you're not "the one" right now. Brooke is "the one" and you have to wait your turn.
Peyton: I understand. Apparently being shot makes me temporarily nicer.
Random Moron: Shooters in the hall!
Lucas: Enough of this shit. I'm out of here.
Brooke: What about MEEEEEE?
Me: How bad is an episode when Lucass and Seyton are the most sympathetic characters?
Stage 3: Stupidity
(Nathan and Haley dance at the party)
Nathan: Too bad they cut the scene explaining why the hell we're here.
Haley: I think it went something like "Brooke gave us Sunkist, which convinced us it was a good idea."
(Dan in bed)
GhostKeith: You didn't think the Sunkist would wear off that quickly did you?
(Dan drives over to Karen's)
Dan: I saw the light.
Karen: I doubt it. (the one good line in the episode)
Dan: Who am I kidding, I'm here because I'm evil. And did I mention Lucas was the one who pulled me out of the fire? Mwah hah hah.
Karen: Why didn't you leave EvilDan and Seyton to die? Did I raise an idiot?
Lucas: You really want me to answer that?
Karen: Keith's death is ALL YOUR FAULT. Oh yeah, I can drink the Sunkist too!
Lucas: Maybe the healing kegger is a good place to be right now.
Stage 4: Tedium
Brooke: Hi roommate. Hi, roommate's husband. I've decided to give you your apartment back.
Nathan: Before we go home let me rip up this tape that Jimmy made us put down.
(Cue a sad montage of everyone crying)
Mouth: Cliques are evil, everyone should party together, blah blah messages.
Rachel: (kisses him)
Mouth: I love you.
Rachel: Mouth, I'm the one who gave Jimmy Sunkist and sent him on a killing spree.
Mouth: YOU BITCH!
Stage 5: Contrivance
(Naley find Lucas)
Lucas: Keith's death was all my fault. I should never have gone into the school.
Nathan: If you hadn't gone into the school Peyton would be dead!
Lucas: And that would be bad because...
(Lucas bumps into Whitey)
Lucas: Uh, about the kegger...
Whitey: It's okay. I've tasted the Sunkist myself. Have I ever told you about my wife Camilla?
Lucas: Only in every conversation ever.
Whitey: Well, Keith was the one who pulled me out of the darkness when she died. Did I just poke the timeline?
Dan: (spits on Keith's grave) That's for helping Whitey poke the timeline!
Stage 6: Realising there are only 5 stages of grief
Haley: Brooke made us a new bedspread! Could this day get any better?
Nathan: Let's go out to the sprinklers and be even more inapproprate!
Lucas: Brooke, have I told you how much I love you lately?
Brooke: I'm jealous that you rescued Peyton. I wish you could rescue me.
Lucas: I will if you rescue me back.
Brooke: Did you recycle that line from Pretty Woman?
Lucas: I knew I heard it somewhere before, I just figured I said it to Peyton.
Brooke: Peyton, I'm sorry you got shot and all, but are you planning to steal my boyfriend again?
Peyton: No! At least, not right now. You can totally trust me.
NotLarry: Brooke, wanna move in?
Brooke: Okay!
Lucas: I'm going to Jimmy's funeral.
Karen: Hell no!
Lucas: Ma, you gotta stop drinking the Sunkist. It won't bring Keith back.
(The rivercourt boys go to the funeral)
Lucas: Hey, Mrs Edwards...where's the kegger later?
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Re-craping 4x16 You Call It Madness, But I Call It Love
Previously on One Tree Hill: Blah blah prom, blah blah catfights, blah blah Peyton gets her lights punched out.
Lucas: (knock, knock) Peyton, I know you're in there and I'm not leaving until...aw, screw it.
Peyton: (with Derek's hand over her mouth) Mmmpeoplealwaysleavemmm
Derek: I'll never leave you. Our love is forever blah blah psychocakes. (injects Peyton)
(Naley on their way to prom)
Nathan: My girl went strong to be rehabbed by prom. (this is an actual line)
Haley: Everything will be perfect tonight.
Car: Not on my watch. Mwah hah hah!
Nathan: We gotta stop saying that.
Viewers: Like, seriously.
(Dan and Karen arrive at prom)
Whitey: I know you're still evil. Leave Karen alone.
Dan: You are old and bald. Go away.
Whitey: First let me say something vaguely intimidating to make you think it's me who's been sending you creepy text messages.
Dan: Don't bother, they cut the scene that follows up on that.
(Peyton's basement. Peyton is gagged and bug-eyed.)
Derek: You're wondering how I got out of jail? I called you pretending to be a cop. And I also called the cops and told them they already had me locked up. I am going to rape and kill you, but first, the jaunty credits. Don't ask me why this episode didn't get a black card.
(Back at prom)
Brooke: Where's Peyton?
Lucas: She wouldn't even open her front door. I waited a whole five seconds.
Brooke: That's weird. Nobody in Tree Hill ever locks their door. My spidery sense is tingling. Mouth, I know I brought you as my last resort date, but can I ditch you and borrow your car?
Mouth: Can you!
(Derek takes pictures of Peyton and finally ungags her)
Peyton: Please, Mark...uh, Derek. Let me go.
(Peyton's phone rings)
Lucas: (to machine) I've got two tickets to Vegas and...Uh, wait. Brooke left and Naley haven't arrived. I'm lonely. Come to prom.
(Rachel gatecrashes prom)
Principal Turner: Sorry, new "no skanky hos" policy.
Rachel: Alright, who wants to be my rebound boy for the night?
Mouth: Do I!
(Meanwhile, back in the basement)
Derek: As a special form of torture I have a tape made up entirely of Peyton's inane whining!
Viewers: Noooooooo!
Peyton: (on tape) The heart doesn't have a kill-switch. (this is an actual line)
(Peyton's phone beeps)
Derek: Another text from Lucas. I'll just text him pretending to be you. I'm sure he won't be able to tell a stalker from his "soulmate".
(Naley at prom being cute)
Nathan: Here, have some punch.
Haley: Tastes kind of funny. Is that...Sunkist?
Nathan: WHO PUT SUNKIST IN MY WIFE'S DRINK?
Random Dork: Dude, it's prom!
Haley: Dude, it's prom. And Sunkist only affects intelligence when consumed in large doses.
Lucas: Aw, Peyton sent me a text! Hey Glenda. Want to hang out with me until my pseudo-loner prom queen girlfriend gets here?
Glenda: Sure.
Lucas: (thinking) Maybe she's the one.
Principal Turner: Naley, I need you to drop Random Dork home.
Nathan: Let's take a little detour.
(Mouth and Rachel in a limo)
Mouth: Whine whine I miss Shelly. Why do girls always leave you after you pressure them into sex?
Rachel: You got some? Nice work!
(Mouth and Rachel continue to talk about Shelly and deflowering Mouth and oh god kill me)
(Brooke arrives at Peyton's)
Brooke: Peyton, are you hiding in the basement? That sounds about right. (goes down) Peyton, why are you all tied up? Is that a gag in your mouth? I'm beginning to suspect something's not right.
Derek: Now's my chance to end the Triangle of Doooooom once and for all!
Peyton: Wait. Let me do it. I want to kill Brooke. Untie me and give me the knife.
Derek: I'll have you know I'm not that stupid.
Peyton: Have some Sunkist.
Derek: Here's the knife.
(Peyton stabs him and escapes)
Peyton: Should I call the police? (sips Sunkist) No, I think I'll put on a pair of boxing gloves and take him on myself.
(At this point the episode defies parody)
Peyton: You creepy, hair-smelling son of a bitch!
Derek: You really think a girl can beat me?
Brooke: (with an axe) How about two girls??
(fighting ensues)
Brooke: Peyton, eighth grade cheer camp!
(Peyton kicks Derek down the stairs)
Brooke: Be careful, he's gonna lunge. They always lunge.
(Derek lunges and Peyton kicks him again)
Brooke: I'll call 911.
(Two hours later the police arrive)
Brooke: Peyton, I'm sorry I made fun of your dead moms.
Peyton: I'm sorry I...no wait. I did nothing wrong. This was all your fault.
Brooke: Wanna go to prom and make out?
Peyton: Okay.
(Dan and Karen dance at prom)
Dan: Why do we only get three minutes of screentime in this travesty of an episode?
Karen: Because Peyton's latest idiotic storyline and Mouth's love life are far more compelling.
Dan: I wanna ask you something. Do you think it's impossible for you to ever have feelings for me again?
Karen: No. It's not impossible.
DK shippers (OK, me): Oooooh.
(At the airport)
Rachel: You're gonna break a lot of hearts, Mouth McFadden (this is an actual line) Will you ditch everything and come away with me just to prove how "dangerous" you are?
Mouth: Will I!
Haley: Where are we going?
Nathan: Look, it's the roof where we made our predictions at the beginning of the year. (Reads out) "Run into school to save classmates from gunman. Jump into lake and get rescued by dead uncle. Shave points with Rick Fox. Oh, and 'Haley and I will be together again.'"
Viewers: Aww.
(Dan finds mysterious phone in hallway. Lucas appears)
Dan: So you're the one who's been terrorising me with text messages?
Lucas: You really think I have the brains for that? I was just thinking about Keith.
Dan: Keith's dead, son. Open your eyes!
Lucas: (squinting) Wait...I'm having a flashback...the day of the shooting...crap, my hair actually looked decent then. Where was I? Hold on, who's that behind the blinds? Is that Abby? And who's that standing next to her? I don't believe it. It's the Contrivance Fairy and the Continuity Fairy!
Contrivance Fairy: Isn't it nice to be working together?
Continuity Fairy: Shut up. I haven't forgiven you for that sex tape.
Lucas: (knock, knock) Peyton, I know you're in there and I'm not leaving until...aw, screw it.
Peyton: (with Derek's hand over her mouth) Mmmpeoplealwaysleavemmm
Derek: I'll never leave you. Our love is forever blah blah psychocakes. (injects Peyton)
(Naley on their way to prom)
Nathan: My girl went strong to be rehabbed by prom. (this is an actual line)
Haley: Everything will be perfect tonight.
Car: Not on my watch. Mwah hah hah!
Nathan: We gotta stop saying that.
Viewers: Like, seriously.
(Dan and Karen arrive at prom)
Whitey: I know you're still evil. Leave Karen alone.
Dan: You are old and bald. Go away.
Whitey: First let me say something vaguely intimidating to make you think it's me who's been sending you creepy text messages.
Dan: Don't bother, they cut the scene that follows up on that.
(Peyton's basement. Peyton is gagged and bug-eyed.)
Derek: You're wondering how I got out of jail? I called you pretending to be a cop. And I also called the cops and told them they already had me locked up. I am going to rape and kill you, but first, the jaunty credits. Don't ask me why this episode didn't get a black card.
(Back at prom)
Brooke: Where's Peyton?
Lucas: She wouldn't even open her front door. I waited a whole five seconds.
Brooke: That's weird. Nobody in Tree Hill ever locks their door. My spidery sense is tingling. Mouth, I know I brought you as my last resort date, but can I ditch you and borrow your car?
Mouth: Can you!
(Derek takes pictures of Peyton and finally ungags her)
Peyton: Please, Mark...uh, Derek. Let me go.
(Peyton's phone rings)
Lucas: (to machine) I've got two tickets to Vegas and...Uh, wait. Brooke left and Naley haven't arrived. I'm lonely. Come to prom.
(Rachel gatecrashes prom)
Principal Turner: Sorry, new "no skanky hos" policy.
Rachel: Alright, who wants to be my rebound boy for the night?
Mouth: Do I!
(Meanwhile, back in the basement)
Derek: As a special form of torture I have a tape made up entirely of Peyton's inane whining!
Viewers: Noooooooo!
Peyton: (on tape) The heart doesn't have a kill-switch. (this is an actual line)
(Peyton's phone beeps)
Derek: Another text from Lucas. I'll just text him pretending to be you. I'm sure he won't be able to tell a stalker from his "soulmate".
(Naley at prom being cute)
Nathan: Here, have some punch.
Haley: Tastes kind of funny. Is that...Sunkist?
Nathan: WHO PUT SUNKIST IN MY WIFE'S DRINK?
Random Dork: Dude, it's prom!
Haley: Dude, it's prom. And Sunkist only affects intelligence when consumed in large doses.
Lucas: Aw, Peyton sent me a text! Hey Glenda. Want to hang out with me until my pseudo-loner prom queen girlfriend gets here?
Glenda: Sure.
Lucas: (thinking) Maybe she's the one.
Principal Turner: Naley, I need you to drop Random Dork home.
Nathan: Let's take a little detour.
(Mouth and Rachel in a limo)
Mouth: Whine whine I miss Shelly. Why do girls always leave you after you pressure them into sex?
Rachel: You got some? Nice work!
(Mouth and Rachel continue to talk about Shelly and deflowering Mouth and oh god kill me)
(Brooke arrives at Peyton's)
Brooke: Peyton, are you hiding in the basement? That sounds about right. (goes down) Peyton, why are you all tied up? Is that a gag in your mouth? I'm beginning to suspect something's not right.
Derek: Now's my chance to end the Triangle of Doooooom once and for all!
Peyton: Wait. Let me do it. I want to kill Brooke. Untie me and give me the knife.
Derek: I'll have you know I'm not that stupid.
Peyton: Have some Sunkist.
Derek: Here's the knife.
(Peyton stabs him and escapes)
Peyton: Should I call the police? (sips Sunkist) No, I think I'll put on a pair of boxing gloves and take him on myself.
(At this point the episode defies parody)
Peyton: You creepy, hair-smelling son of a bitch!
Derek: You really think a girl can beat me?
Brooke: (with an axe) How about two girls??
(fighting ensues)
Brooke: Peyton, eighth grade cheer camp!
(Peyton kicks Derek down the stairs)
Brooke: Be careful, he's gonna lunge. They always lunge.
(Derek lunges and Peyton kicks him again)
Brooke: I'll call 911.
(Two hours later the police arrive)
Brooke: Peyton, I'm sorry I made fun of your dead moms.
Peyton: I'm sorry I...no wait. I did nothing wrong. This was all your fault.
Brooke: Wanna go to prom and make out?
Peyton: Okay.
(Dan and Karen dance at prom)
Dan: Why do we only get three minutes of screentime in this travesty of an episode?
Karen: Because Peyton's latest idiotic storyline and Mouth's love life are far more compelling.
Dan: I wanna ask you something. Do you think it's impossible for you to ever have feelings for me again?
Karen: No. It's not impossible.
DK shippers (OK, me): Oooooh.
(At the airport)
Rachel: You're gonna break a lot of hearts, Mouth McFadden (this is an actual line) Will you ditch everything and come away with me just to prove how "dangerous" you are?
Mouth: Will I!
Haley: Where are we going?
Nathan: Look, it's the roof where we made our predictions at the beginning of the year. (Reads out) "Run into school to save classmates from gunman. Jump into lake and get rescued by dead uncle. Shave points with Rick Fox. Oh, and 'Haley and I will be together again.'"
Viewers: Aww.
(Dan finds mysterious phone in hallway. Lucas appears)
Dan: So you're the one who's been terrorising me with text messages?
Lucas: You really think I have the brains for that? I was just thinking about Keith.
Dan: Keith's dead, son. Open your eyes!
Lucas: (squinting) Wait...I'm having a flashback...the day of the shooting...crap, my hair actually looked decent then. Where was I? Hold on, who's that behind the blinds? Is that Abby? And who's that standing next to her? I don't believe it. It's the Contrivance Fairy and the Continuity Fairy!
Contrivance Fairy: Isn't it nice to be working together?
Continuity Fairy: Shut up. I haven't forgiven you for that sex tape.
Re-crap Contributor: cecilia jane
cecilia jane from the Televison Without Pity forums kindly allowed me to post her re-crap of 4x16 You Call It Madness, But I Call It Love on this blog/archive. And hopefully many others. cecilia jane's re-craps will be labelled with a cecilia jane tag. So, thanks to her, this blog will have a diverse amount of entries.
4x16 is the final Psycho Derek episode or the first Naley prom episode. I wasn't able doing this re-crap due to the fact that I am in the middle of preparing for midterms. So I should really not be posting this right now. But what wouldn't I do for a re-crap? Tells you a lot about my priorities.
This would be a good time to call on for anyone who would like to participate in the Great OTH Re-crap. Any OTH re-craps are welcome.
4x16 is the final Psycho Derek episode or the first Naley prom episode. I wasn't able doing this re-crap due to the fact that I am in the middle of preparing for midterms. So I should really not be posting this right now. But what wouldn't I do for a re-crap? Tells you a lot about my priorities.
This would be a good time to call on for anyone who would like to participate in the Great OTH Re-crap. Any OTH re-craps are welcome.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
How to Re-crap
Here are some pointers for writing a One Tree Hill re-crap:
-Use the show's crappy dialogue whenever possible.
-Use the literary device of recalling a previous scene's dialogue or mentioning a character at the end of a scene and picking up the following scene with said character to make the scenes flow.
examples:
-Use Tree Hill's medical and law enforcement's dumbness to your advantage by dumbing them more than the OTH writers would ever dare to.
-Use fan vocabulary like Schwahny, Pucas (if you hate them), Leyton (if you love them), Brucas, Naley, Seyton, Dumbass, Squinty, and PBC (Pucas's Bastard Child) whenever you feel like it.
-Have fun with it. And try not to spend four days on it like I did for my last one.
-Use the show's crappy dialogue whenever possible.
-Use the literary device of recalling a previous scene's dialogue or mentioning a character at the end of a scene and picking up the following scene with said character to make the scenes flow.
examples:
Lucas: Why, Keith? Why?
Keith: Please don't become like Peyton.
Peyton: Why do people always leave? Why, Schwahny? Why?
(from 4x10 re-crap)
Lindsey: I told you so! Do you know where I sign up to join the Pucas cheerleader union?
Dumbass: Uhh, Brooke might know.
Therapist: How do you feel, Brooke?
(from 6x05 re-crap)
Though do not do it at every scene change. This is something that I hate when they do it on film and they do it constantly on OTH. But it does work sparingly in written form.
-Use Tree Hill's medical and law enforcement's dumbness to your advantage by dumbing them more than the OTH writers would ever dare to.
-Use fan vocabulary like Schwahny, Pucas (if you hate them), Leyton (if you love them), Brucas, Naley, Seyton, Dumbass, Squinty, and PBC (Pucas's Bastard Child) whenever you feel like it.
-Have fun with it. And try not to spend four days on it like I did for my last one.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Re-craping 4x10 Songs to Love and Die By
Dante: [talking to himself] I am so fuming, I want to hit someone with my car. How about the Scott kid? The one that said was going to loose the championship game, but didn't. [Hits Haley] Oh scrap, wrong Scott kid. [Hits car] Oh scrap, fancy car. [Hits road signs] Oh scrap... [Passes out/Dies]
Lucas: "What happened?"
Nathan: "They just hit her, man!"
Unconsious Haley: You think?!
[Nathan runs over to Dante's car and drags Dante out of it]
Nathan: You hit my girl! I'll punch your face! [Dante's face becomes a punching bag]
Dan: Now, what do you think you're doing?
Nathan: I don't know. I'm not the thinking kind, that's Haley.
Dan: Go over to your wife, fast. The Police is coming and Dante is dead.
Dead Dante: You think?!
Dan: "You killed him, son."
Nathan: Oh scrap.
[Dan punches the pavement]
Keith: What do you think you're doing, Danny?
Dan: I feel so guilty for killing you, Keith. I am going to take the blame for Nathan's mess. What the hell are you doing here?
Keith: [Reads off a piece of paper] Script says to forgive you. "I forgive you."
Dan: "You take that back."
Keith: "I said I forgive you."
Dan: "You take that back, you son of a bitch."
Keith: Danny, you've already killed me. Don't insult, mom.
Lucas: She's been hit by a car. She's pregnant.
Paramedic 1: How far along is she?
Lucas: I don't know... Schwahny never tells me those things. The timeline is like The Twilight Zooonne...
Paramedic 1: He passed out?
Paramedic 2: No, he's dead... technically.
Paramedic 1: Well, what are you waiting for? Begin CPR.
Paramedic 2: Oh yeah, right.
Lucas: Keith? What are you doing here? What am I doing here?
Keith: Dead, you are. But yet, not.
Lucas: Yoda?
[Peyton's Red Bedroom]
Brooke: "Lucas and Haley are in the hospital."
Peyton: Haley cheated with Lucas and Nathan beat both of them up to an inch of their lives?
Brooke: Well, not exactly.
Peyton: A girl can dream, right?
Brooke: I'll drive you to the hospital.
[Hospital's Waiting Room]
Nathan, Peyton, Brooke: How's Haley? How's the baby?
Doctor: Your wife is in bad shape. And we don't really care about the kid. [to Nathan] What the hell did you do to piss off Schwahny?
Nathan: I don't know I just do whatever is in the script. I even drink the Sunkist.
Lucas: What the hell is going on?
Keith: You know about karma. Do good, get killed.
Lucas: [squinting] Want one girl, get the other? Have sex, get a pregnancy scare?
Keith: Well, yeah.
Lucas: This karma thing sucks. This show sucks.
Keith: You're barely hanging in there, Luke. I bet Schwahny that I could make you go back. Sign up for a seventh season?
Lucas: I don't want to go back. I am bored out of my mind.
Keith: You have to Luke.
Lucas: Why, Keith? Why?
Keith: Please don't become like Peyton.
Peyton: Why do people always leave? Why, Schwahny? Why?
Schwahny: I thought the phrase was catchy. "Then again, I'm 32, I live with my parents. What the hell do I know?"
Peyton: More like 42. You spend way too much time in Tree Hill, the timeline is like The Twilight Zone.
[Hospital's Chapel - Karen's praying]
Lucas: Is my mom going to be OK?
Keith: [whispering] She's not. It's all your fault, you didn't drink the Sunkist. "That was a pretty stupid thing to do, Luke."
Lucas: [whispering] "Anyway, are spirits allowed to call people stupid?"
Keith: [whispering] "I'm dead. I can say whatever the hell I want."
Lucas: [whispering] "Yeah, well, it wasn't very nice."
Keith: [whispering] Not drinking the Sunkist wasn't, either.
Lucas: [whispering] And why are we whispering?
Keith: [whispering] I don't know, it seems appropriate.
Lucas: [out loud] "You know for a spirit you suck at this." Whispering, when you're not really there? Trying to make me go back by calling me stupid?
Keith: Alright, I'll show you something you're going to like.
[Under the bridge]
Moping Peyton: What are you doing here?
Brooke: Came to see you, because it's all about you Peyton. I know you're bad luck. Everybody around you drops like flies. Your mom, Ellie, future relative #6... But Haley and Lucas are going to come back. I know it. It's in the script.
Peyton: Thanks for holding my hand again. You want to make out?
Brooke: Yeah, sure, why not. [Make out]
Keith: So what do you think?
Lucas: A girl-on-girl make out session is not going to make me go back. It might work for Nathan, but not for me. Nice try, Schwahny, nice trr... Wait... Didn't Brooke just said I was going to come back?
Keith: Yeah, she did. So is Haley.
[Haley's hospital room]
Nathan: Hey, you. Wake up.
Haley: [Wakes up] God, I'm groggy from all the Sunkist. How is the baby?
Nathan: I don't know, they did not check on him yet.
Haley: They did not check on my baby? Where do I sign up to sue this hospital?
Doctor: Alright, alright, come down. We'll check if it's still alive. [Finally turns on the ultrasound] It's alive! Aliiive!!!
Keith: See. All is right, in your little corner of the world.
Lucas: This is still not convincing me that I should go back, Keith.
Keith: [Rummaging through his pockets] I lost all the pages where I stroke your ego. It's okay, I'll ad lib. [Trying to remember] If you did not exist, Nathan and Haley would never have become Naley. And half the audience would have left the show. If you did not exist, we would not have Pucas vs. Brucas, and they provide most of the catfights on the show and you provide them off the show. Oh, and Dan was the one who shot me.
Lucas: What?! Dan killed you?!
Keith: Scrap, I was not supposed to tell you this spoiler. Schwahny is not going to be happy. You have to avenge me, Luke. That's why you have to go back.
Lucas: Fine, I'll go back.
Keith: Hey, Schwahny! Come here! Where's my money?
Lucas: "What happened?"
Nathan: "They just hit her, man!"
Unconsious Haley: You think?!
[Nathan runs over to Dante's car and drags Dante out of it]
Nathan: You hit my girl! I'll punch your face! [Dante's face becomes a punching bag]
Dan: Now, what do you think you're doing?
Nathan: I don't know. I'm not the thinking kind, that's Haley.
Dan: Go over to your wife, fast. The Police is coming and Dante is dead.
Dead Dante: You think?!
Dan: "You killed him, son."
Nathan: Oh scrap.
[Dan punches the pavement]
Keith: What do you think you're doing, Danny?
Dan: I feel so guilty for killing you, Keith. I am going to take the blame for Nathan's mess. What the hell are you doing here?
Keith: [Reads off a piece of paper] Script says to forgive you. "I forgive you."
Dan: "You take that back."
Keith: "I said I forgive you."
Dan: "You take that back, you son of a bitch."
Keith: Danny, you've already killed me. Don't insult, mom.
Lucas: She's been hit by a car. She's pregnant.
Paramedic 1: How far along is she?
Lucas: I don't know... Schwahny never tells me those things. The timeline is like The Twilight Zooonne...
Paramedic 1: He passed out?
Paramedic 2: No, he's dead... technically.
Paramedic 1: Well, what are you waiting for? Begin CPR.
Paramedic 2: Oh yeah, right.
Lucas: Keith? What are you doing here? What am I doing here?
Keith: Dead, you are. But yet, not.
Lucas: Yoda?
[Peyton's Red Bedroom]
Brooke: "Lucas and Haley are in the hospital."
Peyton: Haley cheated with Lucas and Nathan beat both of them up to an inch of their lives?
Brooke: Well, not exactly.
Peyton: A girl can dream, right?
Brooke: I'll drive you to the hospital.
[Hospital's Waiting Room]
Nathan, Peyton, Brooke: How's Haley? How's the baby?
Doctor: Your wife is in bad shape. And we don't really care about the kid. [to Nathan] What the hell did you do to piss off Schwahny?
Nathan: I don't know I just do whatever is in the script. I even drink the Sunkist.
Lucas: What the hell is going on?
Keith: You know about karma. Do good, get killed.
Lucas: [squinting] Want one girl, get the other? Have sex, get a pregnancy scare?
Keith: Well, yeah.
Lucas: This karma thing sucks. This show sucks.
Keith: You're barely hanging in there, Luke. I bet Schwahny that I could make you go back. Sign up for a seventh season?
Lucas: I don't want to go back. I am bored out of my mind.
Keith: You have to Luke.
Lucas: Why, Keith? Why?
Keith: Please don't become like Peyton.
Peyton: Why do people always leave? Why, Schwahny? Why?
Schwahny: I thought the phrase was catchy. "Then again, I'm 32, I live with my parents. What the hell do I know?"
Peyton: More like 42. You spend way too much time in Tree Hill, the timeline is like The Twilight Zone.
[Hospital's Chapel - Karen's praying]
Lucas: Is my mom going to be OK?
Keith: [whispering] She's not. It's all your fault, you didn't drink the Sunkist. "That was a pretty stupid thing to do, Luke."
Lucas: [whispering] "Anyway, are spirits allowed to call people stupid?"
Keith: [whispering] "I'm dead. I can say whatever the hell I want."
Lucas: [whispering] "Yeah, well, it wasn't very nice."
Keith: [whispering] Not drinking the Sunkist wasn't, either.
Lucas: [whispering] And why are we whispering?
Keith: [whispering] I don't know, it seems appropriate.
Lucas: [out loud] "You know for a spirit you suck at this." Whispering, when you're not really there? Trying to make me go back by calling me stupid?
Keith: Alright, I'll show you something you're going to like.
[Under the bridge]
Moping Peyton: What are you doing here?
Brooke: Came to see you, because it's all about you Peyton. I know you're bad luck. Everybody around you drops like flies. Your mom, Ellie, future relative #6... But Haley and Lucas are going to come back. I know it. It's in the script.
Peyton: Thanks for holding my hand again. You want to make out?
Brooke: Yeah, sure, why not. [Make out]
Keith: So what do you think?
Lucas: A girl-on-girl make out session is not going to make me go back. It might work for Nathan, but not for me. Nice try, Schwahny, nice trr... Wait... Didn't Brooke just said I was going to come back?
Keith: Yeah, she did. So is Haley.
[Haley's hospital room]
Nathan: Hey, you. Wake up.
Haley: [Wakes up] God, I'm groggy from all the Sunkist. How is the baby?
Nathan: I don't know, they did not check on him yet.
Haley: They did not check on my baby? Where do I sign up to sue this hospital?
Doctor: Alright, alright, come down. We'll check if it's still alive. [Finally turns on the ultrasound] It's alive! Aliiive!!!
Keith: See. All is right, in your little corner of the world.
Lucas: This is still not convincing me that I should go back, Keith.
Keith: [Rummaging through his pockets] I lost all the pages where I stroke your ego. It's okay, I'll ad lib. [Trying to remember] If you did not exist, Nathan and Haley would never have become Naley. And half the audience would have left the show. If you did not exist, we would not have Pucas vs. Brucas, and they provide most of the catfights on the show and you provide them off the show. Oh, and Dan was the one who shot me.
Lucas: What?! Dan killed you?!
Keith: Scrap, I was not supposed to tell you this spoiler. Schwahny is not going to be happy. You have to avenge me, Luke. That's why you have to go back.
Lucas: Fine, I'll go back.
Keith: Hey, Schwahny! Come here! Where's my money?
Friday, October 3, 2008
Re-craping 6x05 You've Dug Your Own Grave, Now Lie In It
Peyton high on Sunkist: We're getting married, yeah!
Hesitant Dumbass: Okaaayyy...
Peyton on H-drugs: Why are you not happy? Nobody should be unhappy when I am happy. I have the sun shining out of my ass.
Dumbass: I know. I'm a dumbass, but I haven't told Lindsey about us yet.
Seyton: Well, get over to New York and go tell her.
Self-absorbed Peyton: How's my life? Everything's great. I might be getting a new father, which is relative #6 if you really keep count. I am getting married to your former boyfriend. I want you to make my wedding dress. Oh, and the sun is shining out of my ass.
Brooke: Okaaayyy...
Seyton: "Who peed in your Cheerios?" [This is an actual line from the episode, I am not making this up.]
NBA Guy: Why don't you fly off to Indiana? We want to meet you.
Excited Nathan: NBA? I'm there.
[A plane and car ride later]
NBA Guy: So what do you think about the coaching job?
Angry Nathan: Coaching? All I want to do is play.
NBA Guy: Come on, man. You broke your back. Think about it. We don't always get what we want. Talk to your friend Peyton.
Peyton: Hey, Dad! Can you see the sun shining out of my ass?
Potential Father: Uh, yeah... But I never actually told you I was your father.
Peyton: Hey, Dad! Come over for dinner. I want you to meet my fiance who went to see his ex-fiancee in New York.
Potential Father: Okaaayyy...
[An empty table and a dinner chucked in the bin later]
Sad Peyton: Dad stood me up, and so did Lucas. [Tears]
Lindsey: Hey, Luke. Here's your book: The Comet by Lucas Scott. It's great. We want you on a book tour.
Dumbass: Well, I can't make it on that day for the book tour.
Lindsey: Why not?
Dumbass: Well, I am getting married... to Peyton.
Lindsey: I knew it!
Dumbass: Don't tell me: I told you so.
Lindsey: I told you so! Do you know where I sign up to join the Pucas cheerleader union?
Dumbass: Uhh, Brooke might know.
Therapist: How do you feel, Brooke?
Brooke: Everybody else is moving on. My storyline is ending. I need a new one.
Therapist: Like Pucas's Bastard Child and a man?
Brooke: Hey? How do you know about PBC? Let me call Schwahny.
[A glass of chocolate milk later]
PBC: I'm sorry I was such a bitch. I guess I got the greatest genes ever.
Brooke: Tell me about it. I had my fair share of parental problems. Want to be best friends?
Psycho Nanny with a Brit accent: Haley, Dan is on its last leg. He wants to see Jamie. Follow the yellow brick road and get to the house next to the cornfield.
Haley: Okay.
[A yellow brick road and a cornfield later]
Haley: Run, Jamie, run.
[A Misery and Children of the Corn movie hybrid later]
Kick-ass Deb: I followed the yellow brick road. And I smashed a bottle of Dom that I saved for when Dan Scott would leave this earth [Come on Deb, that's never gonna happen.] on the head of that Psycho Nanny of yours.
Psycho Nanny: I'mmm baaack...
Dan: [Shoots her] "God I hate the woods." [This is an actual line from the episode, I am not making this up.]
[A Fatal Attraction ending later]
Psycho Nanny: I'mmm baaack... agaaain.
Badass Dan: Not so fast. [Shoots her again]
Hesitant Dumbass: Okaaayyy...
Peyton on H-drugs: Why are you not happy? Nobody should be unhappy when I am happy. I have the sun shining out of my ass.
Dumbass: I know. I'm a dumbass, but I haven't told Lindsey about us yet.
Seyton: Well, get over to New York and go tell her.
Self-absorbed Peyton: How's my life? Everything's great. I might be getting a new father, which is relative #6 if you really keep count. I am getting married to your former boyfriend. I want you to make my wedding dress. Oh, and the sun is shining out of my ass.
Brooke: Okaaayyy...
Seyton: "Who peed in your Cheerios?" [This is an actual line from the episode, I am not making this up.]
NBA Guy: Why don't you fly off to Indiana? We want to meet you.
Excited Nathan: NBA? I'm there.
[A plane and car ride later]
NBA Guy: So what do you think about the coaching job?
Angry Nathan: Coaching? All I want to do is play.
NBA Guy: Come on, man. You broke your back. Think about it. We don't always get what we want. Talk to your friend Peyton.
Peyton: Hey, Dad! Can you see the sun shining out of my ass?
Potential Father: Uh, yeah... But I never actually told you I was your father.
Peyton: Hey, Dad! Come over for dinner. I want you to meet my fiance who went to see his ex-fiancee in New York.
Potential Father: Okaaayyy...
[An empty table and a dinner chucked in the bin later]
Sad Peyton: Dad stood me up, and so did Lucas. [Tears]
Lindsey: Hey, Luke. Here's your book: The Comet by Lucas Scott. It's great. We want you on a book tour.
Dumbass: Well, I can't make it on that day for the book tour.
Lindsey: Why not?
Dumbass: Well, I am getting married... to Peyton.
Lindsey: I knew it!
Dumbass: Don't tell me: I told you so.
Lindsey: I told you so! Do you know where I sign up to join the Pucas cheerleader union?
Dumbass: Uhh, Brooke might know.
Therapist: How do you feel, Brooke?
Brooke: Everybody else is moving on. My storyline is ending. I need a new one.
Therapist: Like Pucas's Bastard Child and a man?
Brooke: Hey? How do you know about PBC? Let me call Schwahny.
[A glass of chocolate milk later]
PBC: I'm sorry I was such a bitch. I guess I got the greatest genes ever.
Brooke: Tell me about it. I had my fair share of parental problems. Want to be best friends?
Psycho Nanny with a Brit accent: Haley, Dan is on its last leg. He wants to see Jamie. Follow the yellow brick road and get to the house next to the cornfield.
Haley: Okay.
[A yellow brick road and a cornfield later]
Haley: Run, Jamie, run.
[A Misery and Children of the Corn movie hybrid later]
Kick-ass Deb: I followed the yellow brick road. And I smashed a bottle of Dom that I saved for when Dan Scott would leave this earth [Come on Deb, that's never gonna happen.] on the head of that Psycho Nanny of yours.
Psycho Nanny: I'mmm baaack...
Dan: [Shoots her] "God I hate the woods." [This is an actual line from the episode, I am not making this up.]
[A Fatal Attraction ending later]
Psycho Nanny: I'mmm baaack... agaaain.
Badass Dan: Not so fast. [Shoots her again]
Television Re-crap: Re-craping One Tree Hill, One Random Episode at a Time
Welcome to Television Re-crap: Re-craping One Tree Hill, One Random Episode at a Time.
This all began when over at the Television Without Pity forums, Lizzie88 asked for a mini-recap of You've Dug Your Own Grave, Now Lie In It, the fifth episode of Season 6 of One Tree Hill. I decided that I was going to have more fun snarking at it, than I did watching it, and wrote her a recap. CtLady named my recap: re-crap. So I decided to have a place where the collection of re-craps could be archived for the World to see. Now, it is mainly focused on OTH, but I left the door open to re-crap other shows that deserve it. And this blog was born out of my ego, mostly, but also for whoever wants to laugh.
This all began when over at the Television Without Pity forums, Lizzie88 asked for a mini-recap of You've Dug Your Own Grave, Now Lie In It, the fifth episode of Season 6 of One Tree Hill. I decided that I was going to have more fun snarking at it, than I did watching it, and wrote her a recap. CtLady named my recap: re-crap. So I decided to have a place where the collection of re-craps could be archived for the World to see. Now, it is mainly focused on OTH, but I left the door open to re-crap other shows that deserve it. And this blog was born out of my ego, mostly, but also for whoever wants to laugh.
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